Leave Your Message After The Beep

Hey, it's Matsby. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please change your answering machine message? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please change it. Like maybe have it say "Hello? ...Hello? ...Is there anyone there? ...Just kidding I'm not home right now..." You know, one of those. Or maybe like sing "I am not here, I am not here" to the tune of the Happy Birthday song. Because she thinks those kinds of messages are funny and I think it would really lighten her mood right now. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.

The Hills

I just made it through 16 minutes of The Hills. And I just keep thinking about what might happen if some kind of extra terrestrial life comes across this show and they judge us by it.

And if they try to destroy our planet because of that show, I am afraid I might have to side with them. Because, you know, normally I wouldn't want to help aliens blow up our planet with their death ray, but at the same time... they do have a point.

And honestly, after about a minute of watching Spencer do what ever the hell that was I just witnessed, I kind of wish I had my own planet-demolishing laser cannon.

Jobs I Could Not Do

TEACHER

Today I had to go sit in my kid's first grade class for a couple hours because he's been exhibiting some behavior problems recently. And I realized how difficult it must be to be a teacher. Because they have to treat all of those kids equally - even that weird kid with the messed up ear.

LAWYER

I bet when you are in court and you object to something and the judge sustains you, you would probably feel pretty awesome. But the flip side of that is how disappointing it would be when the judge overrules your objection. Because that guy is like shutting you down in front of your colleagues and clients and everybody else in that courtroom. What an asshole, right? So even though there would be great highs, I just don't think I could handle those crushing lows.

UROLOGIST

A couple weeks ago, my friend Scott said the reason he wouldn't want to be a urologist is because the patients would probably always wait until the problem got too serious before they came in to see you. But I thought that was weird because the reason I wouldn't want to be a urologist is because of all of that having to look at and touch and talk about wieners and balls all the time.

CAGE FIGHTER

As you know I have a real love/hate relationship with cage fighting (not to mention Nicholas Cage fighting), but it's just not something I could ever see myself doing. And yeah, part of it has to do with the fact that I would get kicked and punched in the head. But I think my biggest problem is that I would constantly be worried about my bare feet touching the other guy's bare feet. Because that kind of thing totally gays me out.

Oh and after this one fight I saw last Saturday, they interviewed the winner of the fight and asked him about how he was able to do so good even though the other guy kept hitting him and he pointed in the air and said it was because "the Lord Jesus" had helped him (at which point he requested an amen from those in attendance). So I guess that's another reason I wouldn't want to be a cage fighter - because if my opponent ended up having more faith than me, then apparently Jesus would help him kick me in the face - which is not only not fair, but I think it might also make me want to stop going to church.

My Roots

Because I was pretty lazy when it came to reading as a kid, I almost always just ended up taking LaVar Burton's word for it.

I Can't Believe It's Not Buttercream

When I was a kid, my mom used to make me a birthday cake shaped like whatever I was interested in that year.

Even when I was going through that weird Fabio phase...

Nerd

Some - not all - of my action figures...
They are all in the guest room. When my in-laws come to visit, I have to take down the scarier and sexier ones.

Can you name them all?

Anthro Apology

Scientists and archaeologists uncovered a 4,000 year old, Upper Paleolithic cave painting today near what is now the city of Kiel, Germany. Regarded as the biggest and most significant discovery in the last 50 years, the well-preserved images show significant evidence of the (previously considered missing) link between early Cro-Magnon man and the modern day Gallagher.

We Were Promised Jetpacks and The Twilight Sad Live

The top 5 Scottish bands I saw live this year:
1. We Were Promised Jetpacks

2. The Twilight Sad

3. Glasvegas

4. Frightened Rabbit

5. Trashcan Sinatras

If you asked me last week which band puts on the best live performance, I would have said Editors. But ask me today and my answer is a tie between Editors and We Were Promised Jetpacks. 

Last Monday I saw We Were Promised Jetpacks, The Twilight Sad, and Frightened Rabbit at the Urban Lounge and it was pretty awesome. 
Like I said, WWPJ gave one of the best performances I have ever seen, playing almost every song from their debut album, These Four Walls - which I would have to say is the second best album of the year so far. And I met them before the show and they were really cool guys. Which just makes me like them more. 

The Twilight Sad was also great and the lead singer, James, was also a really cool (really really nice) guy - with a really cool Hulk T-shirt...
For the record, I think their album, Forget The Night Ahead is the best album of the year so far. Also I got ahold of the Twilight Sad setlist and check this out...

Three interesting points: 

1. It's written on a plate

2. Those are not the song titles

3. It's phonetically written in the Scottish accent not unlike Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting. 

In case you want to decipher the setlist code, here you go...
Doonstairs - Reflections Of The Television ("there's people downstairs")
Hit Single - That Summer At Home I Became The Invisible Boy
Ne Ken - Made To Dissapear
Loud/Quiet - Talking With Fireworks/Here It Never Snowed
Mooth - Seven Years of Letters
Eyes Oot - I Became A Prostitute ("and she's bawling her eyes out")
Sheep Dug - Cold Days From The Birdhouse
Rabbit - And She Would Darken The Memories Of Youth ("the rabbit may die")

Also Frightened Rabbit was good...

How Was Your Weekend?

Me? Well I took the family on a hike to the Timpanogos Cave. 

So in other words, it was terrible. 

Then again if you're the kind of person who's into hikes and caves, you might like it. It just turns out that I am personally not that kind of person. 

Also, you know what's a fun thing to do with your kids? 

Not take them on a hike or into a cave. 

Top Ramen

You know, the only ramen noodles I have ever had were Top Ramen brand. I guess I figured if that's really supposed to be considered the top of the ramen industry, then I don't think I am interested in finding out what the lesser ramens would taste like.

Everyone On The Creep Train

Last weekend I took my family down to Heber to go on the Heber Creeper, but when we got there I realized that I had accidently bought tickets to the Heber Creep.

And that guy was very unsettling. 

Also I think I’m going to report him to the Better Business Bureau, because he charges way too much for tickets just to watch him stand there with his shirt off while he giggles and licks his fingers.

Walt Disney Presents: Ultimate Nick Fury

I am cool with the announcement today that Disney has acquired Marvel, but I have to admit I am a little uncomfortable with the new redesign of Ultimate Nick Fury. 

Happy Birthday Me

Do you know who's birthday is today? Michael Jackson's!

You know who else's? Mine. 

Do you know how old I am now? Thirty. 

Know what else was supposed to happen on August 29th according to the movie Terminator 2: Judgment Day? Judgment Day. 

But that was supposed to have been 1997. So really, that show was full of shit. 

It's weird being 30. Like a couple months ago I saw an episode of Thirtysomething on cable and the whole time I just kept thinking "what the hell is going on here???" Seriously, it was ridiculous! But then this morning I opened the Thirtysomething DVD set I got for my birthday and I watched the first three episodes... It is AWESOME!!!

Also Brigham Young was shot on August 29th. 

And he was right. He was always right.

You know since I've turned 30, I just keep looking back on my life and I've done a lot of thinking about my own mortality. Like I read somewhere that in order to be legally considered a MILF you have to be at least 30. It's so weird to think that if I was a woman I could be a MILF right now (assuming I would take better care of myself if I was a woman). 

That would be awesome. 

I also heard that 40 is the new 30, which I guess makes 30 the new 20. But if that's true, then 20 is the new 10 and 10 is the new zero. But that's weird, because then a new born baby is the new negative 10 - and I don't know how I feel about that. 

Remember that song by Aaliyah called "Age Ain't Nothing But A Number"? I don't. I mean she is definitely one of my favorite singers of all time, but to tell the truth, I am not sure I have ever heard any of her songs. But I heard she had a song called Age Ain't Nothing But A Number. And it's true, man. Especially for babies. 

 

Thirty!

You know who else's birthday it is? My friend Wayne's. 

So happy birthday, Wayne. 

Wayne doesn't read my blog, but that doesn't change the fact that happy birthday to him. 

That's Enough!

TV Show Idea

I have an idea for a TV show about an alien who comes to earth and is very attracted to older, more mature women. It’s called MALF. 

Yearbook Highlights

7th Grade: 

Matt, your a awsome cartoonist. have a 69 of a summer. Practice safe sex. - JC

Hey Matt, have a plesant summer and be gentle to everyone. Syc! Get laid. - Mark J.

Matt, well got to Patagonia or somethin - Adam 

Matt, hay stud stay cool - Heather

11th Grade:

Matt, Hell ya bitch ass - anonymous

Matt, you are a cliterus - Daniel G. 

If you loose some pounds we can go to CROIX - Josh 

Matt, what's up. have an exquisite summer I will j/k thanks - Stacey P.

Matt, sometimes you are really funny & sometimes your not. I HOPE you have fun w/ girls this summer. You need them. - Reina

12th Grade:

Your bad ass! (large drawing of a penis) - Troy B. 

Matt, you are always so mean to me, but you're a funny kid. Best of luck in the future. - Marnie

I spend a long time wondering whether you were a jerk or just being funny. I still can't really tell. - Mary

Matt, You aren't always the nicest guy but I hope life brings you happiness. - Reina

Sometimes I Wish I Was Narcoleptic

Because I love naps. 

And surprises.  

Megan Fox's Thumbs

Sometimes when you do a Google Image search, at the top of the screen it will make suggestions of other related searches you might be interested in. 

The other day I did a Google Image search for Megan Fox and one of the related searches it suggested I might want to see was "Megan Fox's thumbs". 

It's sad because I thought that Google would have known me better by now. But the truth is, it obviously has no idea what I am interested in. 

3 Favorite Comic Book Covers

This Is Me In Grade 9, Baby

Whenever people want to compliment me about how attractive my children are, they say something like "oh, when he's a teenager he's going to have all the girls after him" or "She sure is going to have daddy worried when she's sixteen". 

And it's ironic that they are so cute because when I was a little kid and people would talk to my parents about me, they would say "Oh, he sure is going to be a lonely teenager" or "You don't have to worry about girls dating him when he is sixteen". 

And they were right.  

Family Vacation 2009: The Black Hills

Quick history lesson: in 1868 the US Government sign a treaty with the Lakota which gave them total ownership of the Black Hills (which is considered sacred land to the Lakota). Then a short time later some guy finds gold in them thar hills and the government breaks their promise (yet again).   

 

I have always been interested in Native American history and culture - and recently I have especially been interested in this sacred land. So although my kids wanted Disneyland and my wife wanted a Mediterranean Cruise, this year we decided to take our vacation in the Black Hills. And thus begins today's blog post...

So last week we loaded the kids up in the mini-van and with a borrowed GPS system, we embarked on our first family road trip. Here is a picture taken taken at the beginning of our journey: 

You can tell this picture was taken early on in the trip because in this picture no one is crying or yelling and there is a notable lack of trash strewn about the van.

To get from Salt Lake to the Black Hills (South Dakota), we had to drive through Wyoming and because of some preconceived notions I have about people who live in Wyoming as well as a personal distaste with the state's actual landscape, the plan was to not stop ever for any reason until we passed through the other side. But then somewhere along the way, we saw a sign for Martin's Cove, so we decided to pull over and take this opportunity to mock my pioneer ancestry by posing for a cute picture pulling (and pushing) a handcart: 

It was a great experience. After I got a pebble stuck in my sandal and before hurrying back to the air conditioned van, I really got a sense of what those people went through back on the plains all those years ago. 

Anyway, like I said, back to the car and on the road again. Next stop, the Black Hills: 

Well actually the next stop was the hotel. But then the next day, we got to the Black Hills and took that picture. 

Another history lesson: Sometime after breaking the treaty which gave the Black Hills to the Lakota, in an effort to add insult to injury, the government carved the faces of some of its past presidents in the side of these sacred hills. (classy) 

And as far as I am concerned people who pay the entry fee to visit Mount Rushmore are doing nothing less than financially supporting that completely disrespectful act. But, you know - I mean we did drive all that way...

And it is an impressive sculpture and I admit that I was taken back by its beauty. So much so actually, that I lost track of the kids for a couple of minutes. And you will never guess where they had gotten off to...

After we finally got them to come back down, it started to rain and everyone was getting wet, so they decided to move the monument indoors:

But that was just too crowded, so we took off and went to visit the Crazy Horse Monument. Which, although is not completed, was also quite a beautiful sculpture. 

I made a joke to this Indian guy there that the monument reminded me of a nickel I once owned. And I guess he he didn't think it was very funny because then he said that with my baby on my back, I reminded him of a dollar he once owned.

My wife thought that was a pretty witty comeback, so she was all "burn!" 

And then I guess the guy misunderstood, so he grabbed her forearm arm in his hands and twisted his hands in opposite directions until she screamed out from the pain the friction caused.

History lesson: This is a picture of the great Sioux chief, Red Cloud: 

Why does he look so sad, you ask? 

Well perhaps it's because in his vision quest he saw a vision of the kind of life his descendants would live. And yes, I am referring to his great great grandsons, Milli Bear and Vanilli Elk: 

How gay did I feel when I bought those postcards, you ask? 

Very gay. I actually pretended my daughter had picked them out. And yes, maybe I could fool the storekeeper, but I couldn't fool my wife. 

Now where was I? Oh yeah. Then after that, we went into Deadwood. to see all the historic sites...

It was a pretty cool place, but we didn't think the language was appropriate for the kids, so we took off and went to the local cemetery to pay our respects to some of the Deadwood celebrities: Wild Bill Hickok, Calamity Jane, and Sheriff Bullock.  

What? You think I'm lying? Well I thought you might, so just to prove it, we posed for this family picture outside of the cemetery. 

Look at Priya in that picture. So cute...

And now look at me in that picture. So embarrassing...

Anyway, that was our trip. We stayed at the local Ramada hotel, whose housecleaning staff are known to steal old dirty flip flops (you've been warned!) and then we drove home all day Sunday - and when we got home the house was 95 degrees Celsius - and trust me you do not want to see pictures of that.  

But in case you want to see more pictures of the Black Hills trip go to my family blog.  

Super Fan

Guess what I did Tuesday night? I went to a Baseball game. Guess what I did Wednesday? I went to another baseball game. Awesome right? Well here's the rub: I don't like sports. 

But I guess it turned out pretty fun after all. On Tuesday I took Legend and went with a couple friends. On Wednesday it was the whole family. Also on Wednesday we had to sit by some really obnoxious teenage girls. Here's a quick FAQ about teenage girls: 

Q. Is there anything worse than teenagers? 

A. No. 

Except old people. And crying babies. And people who are really into their pets. 

Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. Baseball. I think the best part of the games was watching this guy play... 

Some people think it's unfair that he gets to wear camouflage and is allowed him to sneak up behind the opposing team like that. But I think it's also unfair that life has given him one of those weird little arms to deal with. So give him a break. Let him wear what he wants. 

Also Legend and I had a good time yelling stuff at the players to try to unnerve them. Like there was this one guy up to bat and we kept yelling "Hey batter batter!" But then we felt bad when we realized that sitting in front of us was a guy who was made out of uncooked pancake dough and he thought we were harassing at him. Ooops! 

I dunno. I guess mostly I just wanted to give Legend the chance to watch some baseball (he liked the games we went to last year). I mean hopefully he'll turn out to be one of those cool kids who is into time travel and comic books, but I'm going to give him all the options in the world. And if he turns out to be one of weirdos who likes sports, I will still love him just the same. 

Cereal Party Recap

It was a fun party. And it wasn't weird. If you missed it, you missed out. 

Pictures by Priya* (age 3)...

*Except the pictures with Priya in them (I took those). 

Cut the pickle!

Okay Then, How About This One...

The Rise And Fall Of A Popular Comic Strip Character

Soft Drink Titles

When Pibb and I first met, we were on much more formal terms. 

Restaurants

I really like those restaurants where there is a phone at your table that you use to call in your order. 

Because when it comes to cheese fries and bacon burgers, I am very non-confrontational. 

Lily Allen And Glasvegas Live

Both were great shows!

Emerald City Comic Convention 2009

So last weekend I was in Seattle. Don't believe me? Well then how do you explain this picture?

That is what every flat surface in Seattle looks like.

I was attending a comic book convention. If you knew anything about comics, I would tell you about all the comic book creators I met who were really nice and friendly, like Brian Michael Bendis and David Mack. And I would tell you how I also met Bruce Timm.

Don't believe me? Here's me and David Mack:

And here's a sketch he did for me:

There were a lot of great costumes at the convention. The most popular costume of course was Fat Comic Geek (pictured above with David Mack), but here are a few of the more interesting ones...


TV stars, Wil Wheaton and Jewel Staite were there, but it cost $25 to get their autograph and $50 to get a picture with them. So I just kind of looked at them as I walked past their tables (free).

I got this awesome original piece of art got from Brian Churilla: And he also did a sketch for me of his character, The Engineer. You think I am lying don't you? I thought you might. Which is why I documented it:


Well he called it a "sketch", but it's really more of a finished drawing... And the Suicide Girls (no link) were there too. Here is a picture of what they look like with clothes on...Huh. Who knew???

Anyway, here is a commission I got from another awesome artist named Ryan Cody of the Powers character, Zora: Still want more? Okay. Here are a few more sketches I got. I didn't ask for sketches from every artist, just the ones who were really cool and who I really liked...

(Scott Morse, Steve Rolston, Jim Mahfood, Dustin Nguyen, Stan Sakai)

Oh, and Shane Glines...

I felt bad leaving my wife with the kids for four days, but she was really cool about it and said I should try to go every other year. She's awesome! I can't wait for ECCC 2011!!!

Time Travel Friends

If I was a time traveler and I was texting a time traveler friend of mine, instead of texting "How RU?" to each other, we would text "When RU?"

Other useful time travel texting abbreviations:

STC - Space Time Continuum
WH - Worm Hole
GP - Grandfather Paradox
DTESDITRTS - Due to electro-static disturbances in the relative time stream...
HOS - Hitler Over Shoulder

Reality TV

I have an idea for a TV show, where seven mature and mentally stable people (who are not bigots, alcoholics or total idiots) are picked to live in a house and have their lives taped while they co-exist peacefully without embarrassing themselves or offending each other. So we can find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being cordial.

Shopping

Sometimes I shop at Urban Outfitters even though I actually live in the suburbs.

(they never check)

Clandestine Misunderstanding

The other day my wife was going to the grocery store to pick up some things and I asked her to bring home some Hostess Pies for me.

But I guess she thought I said "Hostess Spies" because she came home with a couple of guys in tuxedos - who stole all my top-secret pastry files.

The Way To A Man’s Heart Is Through His Stomach

I like that phrase because not only does it refer to the fact that men like food, but it can also be used when teaching how to effectively perform Hara-kiri.

Oh Boy...

I just recieved an email from my wife requesting me to go to a store for her and pick something up on my lunch break.

The store is called "The Lactation Station"

I don't think it's going to happen.

Bureau Of Indian Affairs

Most of us don’t generally give much thought to this particular government agency. But the thing is, you’ll be happy it’s there the night you come home late and your wife starts asking questions about the war paint on your collar or the dream catcher she found in your wallet.

A Doll For Priya

Whenever I show people the doll I made for Thandi of Killer Bob, they always seem disturbed by it. At first I couldn't figure out what the problem was, but then it dawned on me: they think it's cruel because I didn't make one for Priya!

So anyway, just to clear that up, here is a picture of Priya playing with the doll I made her...

Yep, that is a Laura Palmer doll and she loves it.


She likes to play that the other Barbies are trying to solve the mystery of her murder in a small North-West town where everyone is a suspect and nothing is what it seems.

Now I just need to figure out how to make a Brother Justin (Carnivàle) action figure for Legend.

Baby Update

Can you believe Thandi is almost 3 months old?

She is such a sweetheart and she has brought so much sunshine into our lives.

WE LOVE YOU BABY THANDI!

A Couple Things

Work is a lot easier when you work next to a friend. And then when that friend abandons you because he no longer wants to be stuck, toiling away at a dead end job, it can really suck.

Bryton used to work with me and all day long we would discuss time travel, do impressions, come up with comedic bits, go to the comic store together, and generally bounce ideas back and forth. It was great. And now I am alone.

But we still Gmail chat sometimes. Here's two selections from a chat we had last week:

ME: I know that if you go black, there is no going back. But what if you go bi-racial? Are your chances of going back 50/50?

BRYTON: I think in that case you just get store credit.

And then later...

ME: Dude, when I was in school, getting a picture of a girl I had a crush on was difficult. Either you had to get it from a mutual friend or just keep looking at her picture in the Yearbook. But man, kids these days with their Facebook and blogs - And of course they can always take her picture while pretending to talk on their camera phone. Stalking is so much easier for this generation.

BRYTON: hey yeah! You had to stare at the yearbook picture, and maybe that was taken when she still wore her hair in a ponytail. And it was only her face.

ME: Yeah. Now you just pretend you dropped your cell phone and picked it up, and in a matter of seconds, you've got yourself an upskirt!

BRYTON: You wanted an upskirt in my day, and you had to pretend to be looking for something in your backback. And you couldn't take it with you.

ME: Haha! Exactly!

BRYTON: In Sophomore World History class we had to split up into groups, and we arranged our desks in a circle and slutty Amber was across from me. Upskirt City!

Yeah. What we have is special.

Also on an internet message board this week, Becky told a story about when she worked at a Mexican restaraunt and it contained the following sentence: "Pepe had apparently chopped off a good chunk of his thumb while cutting mangos."

I don't know what it is about that sentence, but I find it both sad and beautiful. And also funny. I am inspired to write a epic poem about it. Or a concept album. Or a graphic novel - It just seems to have everything in it that makes for a good story.

Maybe it is this generations "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share those stories.

Stitches In My Britches

Warning: This post is rated PG 13, for adult themes, language, and brief ball-related humor.

Well, everything went well with the operation on Tuesday. And as some of you already guessed, I will not be having any more babies. Yep, I got a vasectomy. It was not an easy decision. In fact, I have spent my entire life trying to avoid having sharp blades anywhere near my balls – so to knowingly allow a doctor to do what he did, was a very very difficult thing for me to do.

So yeah, I am just recovering now. It has been nice having a couple days off work and I have to say I don’t mind the pain medication. While I was home I watched a few movies. My wife made me watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants parts one and two – and it was a good thing I already had some icepacks ready, because even if I didn’t just have myself a vasectomy, those movies would have done a number on my balls.

But to be honest, it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it isn’t as bad as the time I accidentally said the word “prostate” to my doctor. Because I didn’t really have any prostate issues, but that didn’t stop him from doing a terrible thing. A really terrible, unprovoked, and unforgivable thing.

I have a different doctor now.

But I would really rather not talk about that.

Besides you probably have a lot of questions about my operation. Like did it hurt? Yes. Yes, it hurt. You know the feeling when you get kicked in the balls? It’s like that. Only now imagine there was a knife attached to the boot and after the kick, the boot pulled out a length of tubing and soldered the ends and then sewed it back up. Also imagine you had to shave before getting kicked. That’s what it’s like.

Actually, I don’t even want to talk about this any more.

I shouldn’t have brought it up.

I’m sorry.

I Am Worried

I am going to be having a very sensitive operation tomorrow and I just found out that the doctor who will be performing my surgery is named Dr. Mangalson.

I asked if it was possible to have it done by a doctor who's name doesn't sound like "mangle", but apparently the only other doctor available was Dr. Disfigurson.

Evidence

Here is something awesome I got from my friend Dylan (last name withheald). It is a record of a conversation he had last week…

Thanks for trying, Dylan.

For the record, I do believe that Aaliyah died in the original timeline – but I also believe that there is the possibility that one day I will be able to travel back in time to alter that timeline. And if that is going to happen, then really, it may have already happened. And there is the possibility that the timeline has already been changed and that she is in fact alive – or that a parallel timeline was created in which she lives.

(I only clarify because I don’t want you to think I am some kind of nutjob)

But either way, this is good news. And her reply of “all right” is further evidence of either her confusion or her wish to remain in hiding.

Movie Review: Hotel For Dogs

Solidly built around a subtle yet commanding performance by Don Cheadle, Hotel For Dogs emerged as one of the most highly-praised dramas of 2009.

In a role that demands his quietly riveting presence in nearly every scene, Cheadle plays real-life hero Bernie, a hotel manager who in 1994 saved 1,200 puppies from certain death during the genocidal clash between tribal dogs, who slaughtered a million victims, and the horrified puppies, who found safe haven or died.

Giving his best performance since his breakthrough role in Devil in a Blue Dress, Cheadle plays Bernie as he really was during the ensuing chaos: "an expert in situational ethics" (as described by critic Roger Ebert), doing what he morally had to do, at great risk and potential sacrifice, with an understanding that wartime negotiations are largely a game of subterfuge, cooperation, and clever bribery. Aided by a United Nations official, he worked a saintly miracle, and director Terry George (Some Mother's Son) brings formidable social conscience to bear on a true story you won't soon forget.

Movie Review: Marley And Me

I have every one of his albums. I have read his biographies. I have seen half a dozen documentaries about him. I have even toured his house twice.

I don’t claim to be an expert on his life, but I do know enough to know that this movie is extremely inaccurate.

I Took A Personality Test - And I Failed

I took one of those personality tests that suggests your ideal career based on your individual skills and strengths and here are the top three jobs it said I would be good at:

1. Antisocial Worker – because I am good with kids and I like to help people out – as long as I don’t have to talk to them.

2. Ulterior Motivational Speaker – I am good at addressing large crowds and many people find me inspiring, but really I would only want to do it to inspire them to give me money.

3. Insecurity Guard – because I would enjoy carrying a gun and protecting the public, but if I ever had to chase somebody, I would probably just walk fast, because I am worried people will think I run like a girl.

Aaron Neville

If you are ever going to ask the question "What the hell is that on Aaron Neville's face?", I would urge you to be more specific.

Slim Shady

I’m getting older. It’s true. And as the years pass, I have noticed that I am starting to view things differently than I did, say, ten years ago.

Now I am not trying to come across as some noble and moral guy (at least not on this blog) and I don’t want to sound like a boring old man either, but the truth is sometimes I’m shocked at some of the things I see on TV these days.

And I am not just talking about MTV videos or Girls Gone Wild commercials – even a lot of the programs that are geared toward children these days are inappropriate, if not offensive.

For example, have you seen this guy who calls himself Slim Goodbody? He is constantly talking about his body parts and dancing around in a costume that is extremely revealing. And normally I am not one of those prudes that gets upset about immodest clothing, but not only does it show off his body, but it even shows what is inside of his body!

And maybe this has to do with me being a parent and being protective about what my kids are exposed to, because I don’t want my kids seeing this and thinking it is fun or exciting to go around without clothes on - or skin on. I mean you need to leave something to the imagination – even if that something is what your intestines and bowel system looks like.

Also I think the fact that so much emphasis is put on him being “slim” is harmful to the body images of our youth who are constantly being barraged with the media’s “slim = good body” message. I think at least it would be a little bit better if they also featured a character called Chubs Goodbody – or better yet Chubs Goodpersonality.

And if he wore some clothes.

And also some skin.

Because the world is going to hell. You know that right?

The Mime Who Cried Wolf

I have been thinking about it and I decided that the biggest problem with mimes is that if a mime ever did get caught in a real invisible box, people wouldn’t know to help them. They would just gather around the mime and watch in amusement as the invisible box really did start shrinking in around him. And by the time the crowd saw the mime’s bones crushing and the blood squirting out of his eyes and ears and nose, it would be too late to try and save him.

And you know, I realize - if a mime dies a mime dies. No big deal, right? Because “you live by the mime, you die by the mime”, I agree - if you choose the mime lifestyle (and don’t give me any of that “they are born that way” crap), then you accept the consequences that come along with that.

But what about those who didn’t choose that lifestyle? Really when it comes down to it, I think that’s worst part about this. The mime’s obsession with pretend invisible boxes has put all of the rest of us non-mimes into a dangerous position. Because if we ever did end up in a real invisible box, even though we aren’t mimes, people are going to assume we are - and even if we aren’t wearing a black turtleneck and face paint, they will just think we are undercover mimes. And so they’ll think that they shouldn’t intervene and even if the invisible box isn’t shrinking, it is air tight and we probably only have like another 15 minutes of air in there – so we really really need someone to intervene!

Thoughts On Christmas

If God had wanted Christmas to be gay, he would have made Christmas Steve, not Christmas Eve!

LOL Bonos

The new internet meme, combining your two favorite things: Lolcats and Bono: