Super Fan

Guess what I did Tuesday night? I went to a Baseball game. Guess what I did Wednesday? I went to another baseball game. Awesome right? Well here's the rub: I don't like sports. 

But I guess it turned out pretty fun after all. On Tuesday I took Legend and went with a couple friends. On Wednesday it was the whole family. Also on Wednesday we had to sit by some really obnoxious teenage girls. Here's a quick FAQ about teenage girls: 

Q. Is there anything worse than teenagers? 

A. No. 

Except old people. And crying babies. And people who are really into their pets. 

Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. Baseball. I think the best part of the games was watching this guy play... 

Some people think it's unfair that he gets to wear camouflage and is allowed him to sneak up behind the opposing team like that. But I think it's also unfair that life has given him one of those weird little arms to deal with. So give him a break. Let him wear what he wants. 

Also Legend and I had a good time yelling stuff at the players to try to unnerve them. Like there was this one guy up to bat and we kept yelling "Hey batter batter!" But then we felt bad when we realized that sitting in front of us was a guy who was made out of uncooked pancake dough and he thought we were harassing at him. Ooops! 

I dunno. I guess mostly I just wanted to give Legend the chance to watch some baseball (he liked the games we went to last year). I mean hopefully he'll turn out to be one of those cool kids who is into time travel and comic books, but I'm going to give him all the options in the world. And if he turns out to be one of weirdos who likes sports, I will still love him just the same. 

Cereal Party Recap

It was a fun party. And it wasn't weird. If you missed it, you missed out. 

Pictures by Priya* (age 3)...

*Except the pictures with Priya in them (I took those). 

Cut the pickle!

Okay Then, How About This One...

The Rise And Fall Of A Popular Comic Strip Character

Soft Drink Titles

When Pibb and I first met, we were on much more formal terms. 

Restaurants

I really like those restaurants where there is a phone at your table that you use to call in your order. 

Because when it comes to cheese fries and bacon burgers, I am very non-confrontational. 

Emerald City Comic Convention 2009

So last weekend I was in Seattle. Don't believe me? Well then how do you explain this picture?

That is what every flat surface in Seattle looks like.

I was attending a comic book convention. If you knew anything about comics, I would tell you about all the comic book creators I met who were really nice and friendly, like Brian Michael Bendis and David Mack. And I would tell you how I also met Bruce Timm.

Don't believe me? Here's me and David Mack:

And here's a sketch he did for me:

There were a lot of great costumes at the convention. The most popular costume of course was Fat Comic Geek (pictured above with David Mack), but here are a few of the more interesting ones...


TV stars, Wil Wheaton and Jewel Staite were there, but it cost $25 to get their autograph and $50 to get a picture with them. So I just kind of looked at them as I walked past their tables (free).

I this awesome original piece of art got from Brian Churilla: And he also did a sketch for me of his character, The Engineer. You think I am lying don't you? I thought you might. Which is why I documented it:


Well he called it a "sketch", but it's really more of a finished drawing... And the Suicide Girls (no link) were there too. Here is a picture of what they look like with clothes on...Huh. Who knew???

Anyway, here is a commission I got from another awesome artist named Ryan Cody of the Powers character, Zora: Still want more? Okay. Here are a few more sketches I got. I didn't ask for sketches from every artist, just the ones who were really cool and who I really liked...

(Scott Morse, Steve Rolston, Jim Mahfood, Dustin Nguyen, Stan Sakai)

Oh, and Shane Glines...

I felt bad leaving my wife with the kids for four days, but she was really cool about it and said I should try to go every other year. She's awesome! I can't wait for ECCC 2011!!!

Time Travel Friends

If I was a time traveler and I was texting a time traveler friend of mine, instead of texting "How RU?" to each other, we would text "When RU?"

Other useful time travel texting abbreviations:

STC - Space Time Continuum
WH - Worm Hole
GP - Grandfather Paradox
DTESDITRTS - Due to electro-static disturbances in the relative time stream...
HOS - Hitler Over Shoulder

Reality TV

I have an idea for a TV show, where seven mature and mentally stable people (who are not bigots, alcoholics or total idiots) are picked to live in a house and have their lives taped while they co-exist peacefully without embarrassing themselves or offending each other. So we can find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being cordial.

Shopping

Sometimes I shop at Urban Outfitters even though I actually live in the suburbs.

(they never check)

Clandestine Misunderstanding

The other day my wife was going to the grocery store to pick up some things and I asked her to bring home some Hostess Pies for me.

But I guess she thought I said "Hostess Spies" because she came home with a couple of guys in tuxedos - who stole all my top-secret pastry files.

The Way To A Man’s Heart Is Through His Stomach

I like that phrase because not only does it refer to the fact that men like food, but it can also be used when teaching how to effectively perform Hara-kiri.

Oh Boy...

I just recieved an email from my wife requesting me to go to a store for her and pick something up on my lunch break.

The store is called "The Lactation Station"

I don't think it's going to happen.

Bureau Of Indian Affairs

Most of us don’t generally give much thought to this particular government agency. But the thing is, you’ll be happy it’s there the night you come home late and your wife starts asking questions about the war paint on your collar or the dream catcher she found in your wallet.

A Doll For Priya

Whenever I show people the doll I made for Thandi of Killer Bob, they always seem disturbed by it. At first I couldn't figure out what the problem was, but then it dawned on me: they think it's cruel because I didn't make one for Priya!

So anyway, just to clear that up, here is a picture of Priya playing with the doll I made her...

Yep, that is a Laura Palmer doll and she loves it.


She likes to play that the other Barbies are trying to solve the mystery of her murder in a small North-West town where everyone is a suspect and nothing is what it seems.

Now I just need to figure out how to make a Brother Justin (Carnivàle) action figure for Legend.

Baby Update

Can you believe Thandi is almost 3 months old?

She is such a sweetheart and she has brought so much sunshine into our lives.

WE LOVE YOU BABY THANDI!

A Couple Things

Work is a lot easier when you work next to a friend. And then when that friend abandons you because he no longer wants to be stuck, toiling away at a dead end job, it can really suck.

Bryton used to work with me and all day long we would discuss time travel, do impressions, come up with comedic bits, go to the comic store together, and generally bounce ideas back and forth. It was great. And now I am alone.

But we still Gmail chat sometimes. Here's two selections from a chat we had last week:

ME: I know that if you go black, there is no going back. But what if you go bi-racial? Are your chances of going back 50/50?

BRYTON: I think in that case you just get store credit.

And then later...

ME: Dude, when I was in school, getting a picture of a girl I had a crush on was difficult. Either you had to get it from a mutual friend or just keep looking at her picture in the Yearbook. But man, kids these days with their Facebook and blogs - And of course they can always take her picture while pretending to talk on their camera phone. Stalking is so much easier for this generation.

BRYTON: hey yeah! You had to stare at the yearbook picture, and maybe that was taken when she still wore her hair in a ponytail. And it was only her face.

ME: Yeah. Now you just pretend you dropped your cell phone and picked it up, and in a matter of seconds, you've got yourself an upskirt!

BRYTON: You wanted an upskirt in my day, and you had to pretend to be looking for something in your backback. And you couldn't take it with you.

ME: Haha! Exactly!

BRYTON: In Sophomore World History class we had to split up into groups, and we arranged our desks in a circle and slutty Amber was across from me. Upskirt City!

Yeah. What we have is special.

Also on an internet message board this week, Becky told a story about when she worked at a Mexican restaraunt and it contained the following sentence: "Pepe had apparently chopped off a good chunk of his thumb while cutting mangos."

I don't know what it is about that sentence, but I find it both sad and beautiful. And also funny. I am inspired to write a epic poem about it. Or a concept album. Or a graphic novel - It just seems to have everything in it that makes for a good story.

Maybe it is this generations "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share those stories.

Stitches In My Britches

Warning: This post is rated PG 13, for adult themes, language, and brief ball-related humor.

Well, everything went well with the operation on Tuesday. And as some of you already guessed, I will not be having any more babies. Yep, I got a vasectomy. It was not an easy decision. In fact, I have spent my entire life trying to avoid having sharp blades anywhere near my balls – so to knowingly allow a doctor to do what he did, was a very very difficult thing for me to do.

So yeah, I am just recovering now. It has been nice having a couple days off work and I have to say I don’t mind the pain medication. While I was home I watched a few movies. My wife made me watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants parts one and two – and it was a good thing I already had some icepacks ready, because even if I didn’t just have myself a vasectomy, those movies would have done a number on my balls.

But to be honest, it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it isn’t as bad as the time I accidentally said the word “prostate” to my doctor. Because I didn’t really have any prostate issues, but that didn’t stop him from doing a terrible thing. A really terrible, unprovoked, and unforgivable thing.

I have a different doctor now.

But I would really rather not talk about that.

Besides you probably have a lot of questions about my operation. Like did it hurt? Yes. Yes, it hurt. You know the feeling when you get kicked in the balls? It’s like that. Only now imagine there was a knife attached to the boot and after the kick, the boot pulled out a length of tubing and soldered the ends and then sewed it back up. Also imagine you had to shave before getting kicked. That’s what it’s like.

Actually, I don’t even want to talk about this any more.

I shouldn’t have brought it up.

I’m sorry.

I Am Worried

I am going to be having a very sensitive operation tomorrow and I just found out that the doctor who will be performing my surgery is named Dr. Mangalson.

I asked if it was possible to have it done by a doctor who's name doesn't sound like "mangle", but apparently the only other doctor available was Dr. Disfigurson.

Evidence

Here is something awesome I got from my friend Dylan (last name withheald). It is a record of a conversation he had last week…

Thanks for trying, Dylan.

For the record, I do believe that Aaliyah died in the original timeline – but I also believe that there is the possibility that one day I will be able to travel back in time to alter that timeline. And if that is going to happen, then really, it may have already happened. And there is the possibility that the timeline has already been changed and that she is in fact alive – or that a parallel timeline was created in which she lives.

(I only clarify because I don’t want you to think I am some kind of nutjob)

But either way, this is good news. And her reply of “all right” is further evidence of either her confusion or her wish to remain in hiding.

Movie Review: Hotel For Dogs

Solidly built around a subtle yet commanding performance by Don Cheadle, Hotel For Dogs emerged as one of the most highly-praised dramas of 2009.

In a role that demands his quietly riveting presence in nearly every scene, Cheadle plays real-life hero Bernie, a hotel manager who in 1994 saved 1,200 puppies from certain death during the genocidal clash between tribal dogs, who slaughtered a million victims, and the horrified puppies, who found safe haven or died.

Giving his best performance since his breakthrough role in Devil in a Blue Dress, Cheadle plays Bernie as he really was during the ensuing chaos: "an expert in situational ethics" (as described by critic Roger Ebert), doing what he morally had to do, at great risk and potential sacrifice, with an understanding that wartime negotiations are largely a game of subterfuge, cooperation, and clever bribery. Aided by a United Nations official, he worked a saintly miracle, and director Terry George (Some Mother's Son) brings formidable social conscience to bear on a true story you won't soon forget.

Movie Review: Marley And Me

I have every one of his albums. I have read his biographies. I have seen half a dozen documentaries about him. I have even toured his house twice.

I don’t claim to be an expert on his life, but I do know enough to know that this movie is extremely inaccurate.

I Took A Personality Test - And I Failed

I took one of those personality tests that suggests your ideal career based on your individual skills and strengths and here are the top three jobs it said I would be good at:

1. Antisocial Worker – because I am good with kids and I like to help people out – as long as I don’t have to talk to them.

2. Ulterior Motivational Speaker – I am good at addressing large crowds and many people find me inspiring, but really I would only want to do it to inspire them to give me money.

3. Insecurity Guard – because I would enjoy carrying a gun and protecting the public, but if I ever had to chase somebody, I would probably just walk fast, because I am worried people will think I run like a girl.

Aaron Neville

If you are ever going to ask the question "What the hell is that on Aaron Neville's face?", I would urge you to be more specific.

Slim Shady

I’m getting older. It’s true. And as the years pass, I have noticed that I am starting to view things differently than I did, say, ten years ago.

Now I am not trying to come across as some noble and moral guy (at least not on this blog) and I don’t want to sound like a boring old man either, but the truth is sometimes I’m shocked at some of the things I see on TV these days.

And I am not just talking about MTV videos or Girls Gone Wild commercials – even a lot of the programs that are geared toward children these days are inappropriate, if not offensive.

For example, have you seen this guy who calls himself Slim Goodbody? He is constantly talking about his body parts and dancing around in a costume that is extremely revealing. And normally I am not one of those prudes that gets upset about immodest clothing, but not only does it show off his body, but it even shows what is inside of his body!

And maybe this has to do with me being a parent and being protective about what my kids are exposed to, because I don’t want my kids seeing this and thinking it is fun or exciting to go around without clothes on - or skin on. I mean you need to leave something to the imagination – even if that something is what your intestines and bowel system looks like.

Also I think the fact that so much emphasis is put on him being “slim” is harmful to the body images of our youth who are constantly being barraged with the media’s “slim = good body” message. I think at least it would be a little bit better if they also featured a character called Chubs Goodbody – or better yet Chubs Goodpersonality.

And if he wore some clothes.

And also some skin.

Because the world is going to hell. You know that right?

The Mime Who Cried Wolf

I have been thinking about it and I decided that the biggest problem with mimes is that if a mime ever did get caught in a real invisible box, people wouldn’t know to help them. They would just gather around the mime and watch in amusement as the invisible box really did start shrinking in around him. And by the time the crowd saw the mime’s bones crushing and the blood squirting out of his eyes and ears and nose, it would be too late to try and save him.

And you know, I realize - if a mime dies a mime dies. No big deal, right? Because “you live by the mime, you die by the mime”, I agree - if you choose the mime lifestyle (and don’t give me any of that “they are born that way” crap), then you accept the consequences that come along with that.

But what about those who didn’t choose that lifestyle? Really when it comes down to it, I think that’s worst part about this. The mime’s obsession with pretend invisible boxes has put all of the rest of us non-mimes into a dangerous position. Because if we ever did end up in a real invisible box, even though we aren’t mimes, people are going to assume we are - and even if we aren’t wearing a black turtleneck and face paint, they will just think we are undercover mimes. And so they’ll think that they shouldn’t intervene and even if the invisible box isn’t shrinking, it is air tight and we probably only have like another 15 minutes of air in there – so we really really need someone to intervene!

Thoughts On Christmas

If God had wanted Christmas to be gay, he would have made Christmas Steve, not Christmas Eve!

Anthro Apology

Did you know that there are some indigenous people in this world who will not allow you to steal their soul because they think that when you do, it actually takes pictures of them?

LOL Bonos

The new internet meme, combining your two favorite things: Lolcats and Bono:

The Born's Identity

The baby was born on Tuesday morning - somewhere around 6 AM. We are naming her Thandi.

Whenever I tell people about little Thandi, they always ask "how much did she weigh?" Which I think is weird - but I guess maybe it helps them imagine what she looks like. So in case you are trying to imagine what my baby looks like, she weighed 7 pounds, three ounces.

And I think it's even weirder when they ask how "long" she is. Does the length of a baby really matter at all to anyone? Because to me, it seems like one of the more insignificant things to find out about someone's baby. When I find out someone had a baby, I usually ask them the kinds of questions I think are important: Like "does it have a primordial tail?" (Thandi's does not) or "is it a dog-faced boy or girl?" (Thandi is not) or maybe even "Is it a Baby Huey Lewis?" (Thandi has tested Huey Lewis negative).

But I don't know, maybe they are just asking its length as a nice way to find out if it is a dwarf or a hobbit of some sort. So in case you're wondering: I'm sorry, I don't know exactly how long she is, but I would say she is roughly as long as an adult cat (not counting the tail).

Also I would say her circumference is about that of a loaf of bread - but like one of those bigger loafs of bread though - You know, like the Jumbo Butter Top loafs.

Hmmm.... What else might help you with your mental image? Oh, I would say her density is comparable to the density of a brand new Nerf football.

And to answer the question I think you all really should be wondering...

When she was born and they held her upside-down by the ankles and slapped her butt, she started to cry. And she kept crying as they wiped her down and cut the umbilical cord and handed her to my wife. But then after a couple more minutes of crying, she opened her eyes and looked up at me and then she reached up her little hand. I knew what she was reaching for, so I bent in close, so she could touch the beard (she was checking to make sure it was real). At that moment a look of comfort washed across her little face and she hasn't cried since.


Yep, she knows who the alpha-male is!

If you want to see more pictures of the baby, click here.

Thanksgiving/Baby Update

So I went to Target the morning after Thanksgiving to get a pack of gum and there was a huge line outside of the store. I ended up waiting in line for about 20 minutes before they finally opened the doors. I was really worried that there wouldn’t be any gum left by the time I got in, but it turns out the people must have been there for something else – either that or else Target stocked plenty of gum in anticipation of the crowd.

Now maybe you are wondering who goes to the store to get gum at 5:30 in the morning. I’ll tell you who: Someone who is desperate, someone who wants to get away, someone who seriously needs some Wintergreen to get the bitter taste of their home problems out of their mouth – more specifically, someone who’s in-laws are currently staying with them for the next month or so. That’s right. And I'm sorry but I don’t feel like talking about it anymore.

And maybe you are wondering if my wife has had the baby yet. And I'll tell you whether she has or not: no she hasn’t.

You know, she’s just a couple days from the due date and those of you who have never had any kids probably wouldn’t understand, but this stage in the pregnancy is terrible! It’s uncomfortable, it’s painful, it’s stressful… and from what my wife says, it’s pretty bad for her too.

And the thing is she’s keeps complaining about the baby not having come yet, but to tell you the truth, I don’t think she’s really trying all that hard. I mean, every time I tell her to start pushing, she refuses. So yeah, I think until she puts more of an effort into it, we’ll probably just keep waiting.

But I know that even though time feels like it is dragging and we may be miserable right now, it will all totally be worth it when we are able to, as proud parents, claim another dependant on our 2008 tax refund.

So yeah, I may be away from the internet for a little while, but when the baby comes, you’ll be the first to know. I mean, I am pretty sure my wife will be the first to know – and then the doctor – and then probably me and my parents and my in-laws, and then other family and friends… but I promise this will be the first blog I announce it on… unless it turns out to be a robot baby. In that case, I will post it first on my robot blog and then on here.

Anyway, I am going to go try to get my wife to start “nesting” because my house has really started to become a mess since she has started sitting around watching TV all day with me.

But seriously, I hope it's not a robot baby.

Those are the worst!

Movie Night

Last weekend I watched American Tail X with my kids.

I think it's a terrible story for children! Especially the part where Fiefel curbs the cat.

Signs

Well yesterday I was driving through the old neighborhood again and guess what.

Alright, you give up? I’ll tell you what:

The Tres Horriuchis are gone. Gone the way of Joe, Lud, and Phil before them. Which makes me think maybe the whole thing was just politically motivated after all. And isn’t that just like Horriuchi to cut and run? If you knew him the way I know him, you would agree that it is.

And have you seen what IS there in its place? It’s frightening! I actually swerved off the road when I saw it! Because it’s not Tres Hombres like you would expect. Nope, it actually appears to be uno hombre and dos evil death-borgs:

Okay, maybe I am over reacting. Maybe they aren’t evil death-borgs. Maybe they are just morally reprehensible kill-droids. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I just wish I knew for sure so we could make plans to either reflect their death rays and melt down their internal A.I. circuitry or in the case of the later, hack into the mainframe and override their kill functions.

And I wonder what Joe, Lud, and Phil would have thought if they had lived long enough to see what they had been replaced with. Actually, no I don’t. I know very well what they would have thought. In fact I believe that somewhere, somehow they do know. And I believe somewhere in an unmarked shallow grave in the middle of the Nevada desert, Lud is whirling like a Dervish because of it.

And yesterday when I had pulled over to take the above picture, I couldn’t help wondering what had happened to the other dos hombres. Then I saw a new mural painted just below the sign: Yeah!

Apparently the MIA hombres are caught in some kind of arrested state of nightmarish hell - imprisoned somewhere between this world and the next – their souls (or what’s left of them) frozen in time - in a moment of eternal agony, misery and despair. And if they could find some way out of the mural, to be reborn in our physical plane – if, let’s say, some idiot were to reach out and touch the painting and unwittingly become a key by which a dark porthole is opened - well, I think we both know what they would do. They would inhabit the bodies of the weak among us, infiltrate their way into our lives, pick us off one by one, and ultimately destroy us from within.

But I guess I’m not all that worried about it. I mean, either it’s them that do us in, or the unholy murder-bots that took their place on the sign. And lets be realistic, it’s not like one is going to be that much better than the other.

And is that tortured-soul-hombre eating a corndog? Is it an evil corndog?

Anyway Horriuchi, I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done!

Assuming you still feel human emotions.

Post For Ladies Only - Sorry Fellas

WARNING: Seriously, if you are a dude, please do not read this post. Trust me, you wouldn’t understand.

Twilight!!!!!

Twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight. Twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight, Edward. Twilight, twilight, twilight, werewolf, twilight, twilight, Edward! Twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight, Coldplay. Twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight, twilight.

Twilight, twilight, vampire sex, twilight.

Twilight!

A Post For Men Only - Sorry Ladies

WARNING: Seriously, if you are a woman, please do not read this post. Trust me, you wouldn’t understand.

Hey fellas, you ever need to adjust things – you know – like make some adjustments down there – you know – because it’s uncomfortable – uh – I mean totally above pants of course – you know, just shifting things around a bit – yeah - and right as you start going for it, someone comes around the corner and sees you?

Well, I have lost count of how many times that has happened with different ladies here in my office. And at least twice with my lady boss alone.

Seriously, one time it needed a complete overhaul and I thought I was alone, so I went for it. And I was really taking inventory and moving product, if you know what I mean (completely above jeans of course), and I can’t remember but it might have even been using a two handed attack – and then the boss comes around the corner and of course it looks bad to her. And my natural instinct is to totally recoil my hand. But at the same time, that makes it look even more suspicious, so I just casually carried on.

And seriously, that’s happened a couple times. And I don’t even want to know what they say about me when I’m not around.

Also one time I was talking to B and joking around about this picture of Worf I found. This one:
And it’s up on my computer screen and who comes walking up behind me? Yep, the same lady boss. And again, naturally, I want to hurry and close the window. But I don’t because that just looks more shady and she would immediately assume I was looking at something even worse. So she looks at the computer and then looks at me. And I look at her and then I look at the computer and again, I want to be as nonchalant as possible, so I just point to the picture and say “Worf” and then I laughed a nervous laugh and she didn't, so then I closed it down.

And I won’t betray his privacy, so I won’t tell you who it was, but a five year old I know complained to me the other day about it “sticking to his leg” and making him uncomfortable. And all I could say is “get used to it, buddy.” I told him “that thing is going to be your best friend in this life, but it is also going to be your worst enemy sometimes. So it’s best to try to make sure your mommy’s not around if you have to adjust things”.

And it’s frustrating because every time a lady sees you do it, she thinks something else is going on, but it’s not!!! It’s natural. But they just don’t understand.

So anyway, I don’t think I am alone in this, so I think it would be a good idea if you all just take your wife or girlfriend aside and explain things to them. Just tell them that sometimes it needs to be adjusted. It’s nothing dirty. And explain to her that sometimes a guy looks at a homo-erotic picture of Warf and it’s not because he’s weird, but just for a laugh - and maybe a little curiosity, yeah. But it's not gay!

Sound good? Because if we all do this, if we really organize our efforts here, then maybe the ladies would start to understand and not just jump to conclusions like they always do. But this is really the only way I can think to educate them.

Because yeah, I think my boss has been avoiding me.

Horshack Test

My brother Dave made this!

A Bed For Baby

We've been pretty busy lately, getting the baby's dolls and bassinet all ready for her.

Dangers Of The Internet

They made Legend sign a form at school promising he would not abuse his internet privileges – and of course I am the one who had to explain it to him. I told him it means he had to promise not to look up boogers or farts on the computer. I didn’t want to tell him not to look up pictures of naked ladies because then he would ask me why someone would want to look at pictures of naked ladies and I would have to have the “when a man loves a computer very much…” talk with him.

Although I am sad that he will miss out on all the fart jokes on this blog.

Oh well, I guess when he’s older…

Redheads

I haven’t had a lot of first hand experience with redheads, but from what I have read on license plate frames and bumper stickers, I admit to having a lot of preconceived ideas about them.

Halloween

I always felt bad on Halloween giving people the old “trick or treat” ultimatum. So instead I would shout “trick and/or treat (O.B.O.)!”

Because even though most people will go with treat, they really appriciate it when you give them multiple options.

Missed Connections

Vote NO On Prop 3 And Protect The Family

I try not to bring politics into my blog. But I feel I have a responsibility to share with you how important this issue is. Proposition 3 is an initiative measure on the ballot next week that would legalize all ghosts in Utah. You may have seen these signs around town...

Look, I am not judging ghosts, but I do need to look out for my family. And don’t give me any of that “even if they are legal, it won’t make any difference to your family” bull crap. Because if you really think that, then I would like you to watch a little informative video called Poltergeist that tells the story of exactly how dangerous an influence these ghosts can have on innocent families.

And I don’t even want to hear about how “ghosts are fighting for the same civil rights that ghouls fought for back in the 60s”, because it is not the same at all! Ghouls may be grave robbing demons who eat the dead, but they are not dead themselves. No, but ghosts are dead and as such are not entitled to any rights under our living constitution.

And again, I am not advocating any hate or violence towards ghosts. I am simply urging you Utah voters, when you go to vote next Tuesday to think about that kid who was attacked in his own bedroom by the limbs of the tree just outside the window. And then I want you to think about that guy who saw the hot naked lady in the bathtub in that hotel room and then it turned into a gross old naked corpse and attacked him. And think about that kid who could see ghosts and the ghost didn’t even know he was a ghost. And I want you to ask yourself if this is the kind of America you want your family to grow up in.

And I know you’ll make the right decision and vote NO on Prop 3 and keep ghosts in their place (in old prisons, abandoned mental hospitals, and Native American burial grounds).

Your kids will thank you.

Brass Knuckles

I have been thinking about brass knuckles lately (even more so than usual). And I have come to the conclusion that brass knuckles are superior in EVERY way to plain old flesh knuckles.

Every way. Just try to think of a situation where Brass knuckles are not superior - You will fail.

A Beard For Baby

I have mentioned to a few people that I am growing my beard for the new baby’s benefit. And I’ve noticed that many of them don’t understand the connection between beards and babies, so in case you don’t have any prior understanding of the theory I made up, allow me to enlighten you.

You see, in just a couple more weeks, when my baby is born, like all babies, she will immediately try to assess the situation she is finding herself in - It’s not just human babies that do this. Every animal, at the moment of birth, needs to establish who is the mother figure (nourishment) and who is the dominant male figure (protection – social order).

Now of course, the only way a baby can make such distinctions, is on a primal level. So at that first moment of life, as my baby is searching the room for these two authority figures, she will really only recognize the most primitive of distinctions.

The mother is easily identified as the crying/lactating female with the messy hair. But the father figure isn’t always as easily recognizable to a newborn’s eyes. Therefore having a beard will help establish myself as the most manly and burley male figure in the room and in so doing, will help her identify me as the dominant male - and as such, her father.

In case you men are going to be having a baby soon and would like to help your new infant make this transition into the outer-womb-world; in addition to the beard, you may also consider wearing an animal fur (perhaps a big buffalo skin coat ala Colonel Ludlow) and to start swearing as much as possible as soon as the baby begins to crown – as these are all factors the baby will take into consideration in identifying the dominant male in the pack.

But be careful because your beard-growing attempts can potentially backfire. There are a couple of major points you will want to keep in mind when preparing:

First, this only really works with old-fashioned hair beards. Babies do not recognize bee beards as a sign of strength, but will most likely take it as a weakness – assuming you are being attacked by the bees.

Second, you need to make sure the beard is long and full enough to make you appear unquestionably masculine. As an example of this going wrong: when Priya was born, I didn’t start growing the beard until about a week and a half prior, so instead of identifying me as the dominant male figure in the room, she mistook me as the dominant Kenny Loggins figure – which is something that I am still trying to overcome with her.

Third, you also do not want to have too long of a beard because there is also the possibility that the baby may see you as a one-of-those-guys-from-ZZ Top-figure and then he or she may (understandably) question your relevance in the current musical landscape.

Remember, the moment of birth is a crucial moment in a child’s development. If you do end up applying these principles and your baby does not grow up to be a lowlife, a criminal, or a fan of U2, you know who to thank.

Me!

Tres Horiuchis

As you take a tour of the neighborhood of my youth, one of the great monuments of note can be found along the stretch of road I walked to and from school for many of my formative years. It is a sign above a carpet store (or maybe it is an art gallery now?). A sign that could be described as “three personages, whose mechanical rocking from side to side defies all description, standing above you in the air.”

You may know it best as the Tres Hombres sign – sporting the titular characters to the Mexican restaurant connected to the carpet store/art gallery below – the Mexican version of Snap, Crackle, and Pop, if you will.

But I knew it before it was Tres Hombres. I knew it when it was three guys called Joe, Lud, and Phil. I was just a kid at the time, but I seem to remember that they were the three owners of the carpet store (?) that the sign originally served as a beacon to. The carpet version of Snap, Crackle, and Pop, if you will.

But today, the sign has taken on a new function. Today the sign is covered in three cartoon versions of Randy Horiuchi – a local politician who for years has ruled this city with an iron fist.



And over the last couple days as I thought about the recent appropriation (reappropriation?) of the neighborhood landmark – with the three Horiuchis hovering over our city (like the Cristo Redentor over Rio de Janeiro), I started to wonder – really, how many Horiuchis do you really need?

I mean, yeah, one Horiuchi is not enough. I will admit that one Horiuchi is just plain sad – which I guess is why they say “one is the loneliest Horiuchi.” But you know, they also say “three Horiuchis is a crowd.”

So I personally would have stopped at two Horiuchis. Yes, the sign has to have three people on it, but why not two Horiuchis and an Hombre? Or how about Horiuchi, Lud, and Horiuchi? I just think there has got to be a way to make the point without using excessive Horiuchis.

Yes, he is beating us over the head with Horiuchis, but he will still probably get my vote for having remembered, and paid tribute to, a personal favorite landmark.

But you know, I will also be writing in Lud as well as one of the Hombres (I haven’t decided which one yet, but I am leaning toward the pistolero with the pancho).

And between the three of them, I am confident we can get this city back on track.

Debate Recap

I don’t know if you watched last night’s presidential debate, but McCain brought up the proverbial “Joe the Plumber” and then didn’t shut up about him the whole night.

I think the highlight of the debate was when Obama was talking about a friend of his and McCain interrupted and said “no, we’re talking about Joe the Plumber!” and then Obama fired back “No, we’re talking about Joe Mamma!”

SNAP!

By the end of the debate, I feel like they addressed all of Joe the Plumber’s concerns. But we didn't really hear anything new concerning Joe Joe the Dogfaced Boy.

And until I hear a policy that makes sense about the Joe Joe issue, neither of them gets my vote!

Tramp Stamps

You know what would be a good tramp stamp? One that actually looks like a postage stamp. You know, like a big .47 cent Harriet Tubman commemorative stamp.

And it would be cool because then each year when postage goes up, the girl would have to get another .4 cent stamp tattooed next to it.

What’s that? You don’t know what a tramp stamp is? A tramp stamp is one of those tattoos on a girl’s lower back. It’s a common term. It’s a part of our lexicon. How do you not know this? What, do you live in a box?

Look, no offense to any of my homeless readers, but still – you guys have internet access and you are living your life out of a cardboard box?

Anyway, tramp stamps…

Eh, nevermind.

Street Advertising

You ever see those guys when you’re driving who stand out on the street in a big costume, trying to wave drivers into their business?

I’ve always wondered if that actually works. You know, because I personally have always made it a point NOT to patronize companies who humiliate their employee and put them in a big Statue of Liberty costume in the 100 degree weather.

But then a couple of weeks ago I saw one of those guys standing out in front of a Chevron station wearing camouflage pants, a sombrero and full black-face makeup, so of course I pulled in.

I didn’t even need gas, but I filled up anyway, just so I could get a better look at what was going on. As I was filling up, I eventually saw the guy walk away, so it looks like he probably didn’t work there after all. Also I am not 100% sure he was in black-face makeup.

But I guess I found out that yeah, sometimes those guys actually do bring in business.

I Made A Poor Financial Decision

Because of all the recent economic problems and the plummeting value of the dollar, my wife and I decided to take all of our retirement money and invest it in Gold Krugerrands.

But then yesterday I accidentally ended up spending everything we had on Freddy Krugerrands, which it turns out are worth almost nothing!

Oh man, you hear about how the economic downturn will affect everyone from Wall Street and Main Street, but they never mentioned that it will even go as far as Elm Street.

Well I guess I found out the hard way.

It just sucks, because now we’ve totally lost our entire nest egg - all because of this one bad investment.

Oh well. At least I didn’t invest in Jason Voorheesrands.

Announcement

My wife is pregnant. Yay! And she is due in December.

This is going to be our third baby and we are both very excited. Anyway, we got an ultrasound yesterday and check it out:

It's a girl!!!!

We already have a boy and a girl, so we weren’t really that concerned about its sex. But we were nervous about the ultrasound, because they can also detect other physical defects that the baby may have. But we are excited because she is healthy and seems to be doing well in there. But it’s sad because our neighbors also just got an ultrasound this week and they found out they are having a baby Huey Lewis. And they are really brave because they have actually decided they are going to keep it.

Look at this ultrasound of their baby who is clearly showing signs of early Huey Lewisism:

Isn’t that so tragic?

So, so tragic…

I Am Done Talking About Politics So Let Us Discuss Rap

I have been spending way too much time thinking about politics lately. Last night I watched the debates. Then I watched the post debate shows, then I watched the debates again. Then I went to bed and dreamt about politics. And then cried in the shower this morning thinking about how my blog has become too political and it’s probably turning people away. It’s all just too much. I’ve had enough of politics!

So starting today, I am suspending my political campaign. If you want to read some great political humor, check out Vollman’s guide to politics, but as of now, I have made the choice to focus my time on what I believe is best for this blog and for this country: a return to small town fart jokes.

So let’s see. What else can we talk about? I know. Let’s talk about rappers.

You ever try to talk about a rapper and the person you are talking to has no idea what you are talking about? It happens a lot especially if you are talking about the rap music performer who goes by the name “The Game”.

See that’s exactly what I mean!

When you are talking to a person at a bus stop about Tommy Lee, you call him “rocker Tommy Lee” and everyone knows exactly who you are talking about. But if you are talking about the rap music performer who goes by the name “The Game”, you can’t just call him “rapper The Game”or “The Game; the rapper” because when you say those words outloud, they don’t make sense. Nobody knows if you are talking about a game, a rapper, or even perhaps a wrapper - or if maybe you are just developmentally disabled.

No. If you want to start up a conversation about “The Game”, you have to go into a big production and set it up for a couple of minutes first saying something like:

“Hello. I would like to talk to you today about rap music. Specifically, I would like to discuss the rap performer who performs his raps under the moniker ‘The Game’ (when you say The Game, make little quote signs in the air with your hands).” At this point it usually helps to pull out one of The Game’s CDs, point to the picture on the cover, and say “this guy. He is a rapper. I want to talk about him.”

See what I mean. It’s too much set up. And then it sucks because I don’t really have much to say about “The Game”. So I go through all that set up and then the person I am talking to says “Alright. I agree to discuss the rap performer who calls himself “The Game” (hand quotes). Proceed…” and then all I have to say about him is “What’s up with that guy?”

Another difficult rap performer to discuss is the one who performs under the stage name “Silkk The Shocker”. Because if you just approach someone in the grocery store and say “Hey, you know Silkk The Shocker, the rapper?”, they’ll be totally confused and won’t know if you are talking to them about a fabric, a rapper, a wrapper, or something that shocks and/or is shocking - so they will usually act all weird and probably think to themselves “Who is this guy, what does he want, and why is he staring at my chest?”

And that is why I usually don’t talk about rappers very often.

Because it’s just too confusing.

The Dip Shit Conference

Sometimes in the course of human events, there are problems so big and so daunting that they cannot be solved by one man or one government alone. And only by bringing together the greatest political minds of that particular generation, have the problems of our history been solved. For example the Continental Congress of 1774 and the Yalta Conference of 1945.

Just two days ago, in New York City at the United Nations building, Sarah Palin (the woman who might accidentally be elected president) met with Bono (the favorite singer of millions of people across the globe who aren't really into music) in the first session of what is now being referred to by experts (Me) as The Dip Shit Conference of 2008.

It was a private meeting, so there aren’t any official photos of the two of them, but this one is close enough:

And I was able to get my hands on a transcript of their conversation:

Palin: Hello, Governor Palin.
Bono: …What?
Palin: Oh. Duh… I mean hello, I’m Governor Palin.
Bono: Oh, hi. And I don’t believe I need any introduction.
Palin: Of course not. Hey, nice sunglasses!
Bono: Thanks.
Palin: I like purple.
Bono: Me too.
Palin: Me too.
Bono: So um, is there anything you would like me to sign?
Palin: Yeah, I brought some of my husband’s tapes for you to sign.
Bono: Oh… Ha ha. No, I’m sorry. That’s Sonny Bonno you’re thinking of.
Palin: Oh geez… Ha ha… So will you sign it to “dude” for me?
Bono: No. I’m not that guy. I’m… I’m just Bono – you know from the band U2?
Palin: Ah. Yes. I love that song Rock Lobster. So are you that gay dude?
Bono: Yes… I mean no! You’re thinking of the B52’s.
Palin: Oh… and that’s not you?
Bono: No. I’m BONO.
Palin: I’m Sarah Palin.
Bono: Do you even listen to music?
Palin: Yeah. Have you heard that song Rock Lobster? It’s like “rock lo-bster doot doot”.
Bono: So you’ve never heard Joshua Tree?
Palin: I’ve heard of it. But I’ve never been to Califorinia. I don’t have a passport yet.
Bono: No. Joshua Tree is an album we… Never mind. How about WAR?
Palin: Oh yes. I love WAR!
Bono: Really? Thanks. What’s your favorite song on it?
Palin: On what?
Bono: WAR.
Palin: Yeah, I love WAR.
Bono: So what’s your favorite song on it?
Palin: On what?
Bono: I have an album.., called WAR… It’s got recordings of me singing.
Palin: With what?
Bono: With my band.
Palin: No, I mean you are singing with what?
Bono: With my mouth.
Palin: Oh. I thought you were going to say with your nose… Wouldn’t that be funny if someone was singing with their nose?
Bono: Nope. Sorry, WAR’s just an album of me singing with my mouth.
Palin: Oh… Okay... Yeah… That’s a good album.
Bono: Thanks. What’s you’re favorite song on it?
Palin: I’ll have to find out and get back to you.
Bono: Oh, okay… Cool.
Palin: Yeah, cool.
Bono: A lot of people like my music.
Palin: Yeah. So did you bring anything you want me to sign?
Bono: Yeah. I brought the last 5 issues of US Weekly with you on the covers.
Palin: Oh, that’s such a pretty picture.
Bono: Yeah.
Palin: Do you think I look like a princess?
Bono: Kind of. You are pretty.
Palin: I know, I totally look like a princess.
Bono: Can you sign that one to “The Edge”?
Palin: Okay. How do you spell that?
Bono: E – D – G – E
Palin: Okay, now how do you spell “edge”?
Bono: I just spelled it for you.
Palin: Oh, I thought you were spelling “the”.
Bono: No, that’s okay. Just “Edge” is fine.
Palin: Okay good...

And it went on like that for another twenty minutes. Then Palin told Bono about how there is a kiosk at the mall that has really cool sunglasses, so then they went to the mall.

Oh man, we are screwed!

I Can Still Do The Trick

There’s been a horrible accident!

I cut my finger really badly with an Exacto knife yesterday and it was excruciating. To put it into perspective, think about how painful childbirth is - now imagine it is even more painful – and instead of being lucky enough to have the pain being distributed through out your whole body, all of that pain is in your index finger.

I explained that too my wife and she was so amazed at what I was experiencing that she had to immediately walk out of the room in order to go and process it all. And she must have been really affected by it because she hasn’t spoken to me since.

But in case you are worried about how this injury will affect my career as an illusionist, I just wanted to let you know that it’s going to be okay. I can still do card pulls, I can do some prop tricks, and I can still do the trick I have been telling you about – the one they’ll remember me for.

Body Worlds

So last weekend I saw the Body Worlds exhibit that is going on right now at The Leonardo downtown. Have you heard about it? It’s great!

It is an exhibit full of body parts of actual dead people (don’t worry, they’re preserved). And there is also actual corpses (don’t worry, they’re skinned) who are posed as if they are living people doing activities normally only performed by the living - such as using a bow and arrow, jumping a hurdle, and throwing a javelin.

I am thinking of donating my body to the exhibit. At least that way I would have appeared to be athletic at least once in my life – or technically, in my after-life.

And I thought it might be scary to see the dead people posed like living people (you know like that horror movie Weekend at Bernies?), but it wasn’t scary at all - it was actually very scientific. In fact, it was less scary than seeing living people posed as dead people - did I ever tell you about my phobia of seeing sleeping people? Yeah, sleeping people freak me out! One time when I was a kid, I walked into my parent’s bedroom without knocking first and they were totally fast asleep. It scarred me for life.

But yeah. The dead people posed as living people was pretty awesome.

Even if you are not into science or anatomy, if you like to look at naked ladies (and by naked, I mean no clothes, hair, or skin) you’ll like this exhibit.

And you weren’t supposed to take pictures inside the exhibit, but I snuck my camera in anyway and got a couple. Now, if you are sensitive about disturbing images of dead human corpses posed as living human corpses, you may not want to see the pictures below which I took at the exhibit:



(creepy)

WARNING: Also, if you do go to this show and you are the kind of person who normally likes to make the “your epidermis is showing” joke, be aware that it does not work on the corpses. Because they have had their epidermises removed – and even if they did have skin, they’re probably too dead to get the joke anyway.

Finally, A New Blog!!!

A lot of people have inquired about purchasing my art. And a lot of other people have been complaining that I don't have enough blogs.

Well, to answer both of those concerns, I have started a blog here where you can buy prints and originals of my drawings and paintings.

You know, if you're into that kind of thing...

New Calvin Peeing Stickers

Fairness

Last week B told me that at the Utah State Fair this year they had an old fashioned freak show, so on Saturday I took my family to check it out.

We never did find the so-called freak show B had been talking about, but we were certainly not want for freaks that night. In fact, there is no way an organized exhibition under a musty tent could have contained more horrific human monstrosities than the normal fair-going public we found ourselves surrounded by:

We saw two pinheads, a lizard man, a dog-faced boy, an elephant girl, a small strong man, a giant, a fish baby, and a six hundred pound bearded woman with a cat on her shoulder.

It was an inhumane spectacle of nature gone wrong. My first thought was that every Wal-mart in the state must have been completely empty at that moment - and if I had brought my Wal-mart Bingo card, I would have had a blackout within seconds - and it would have exploded within minutes.

Other highlights of the fair include but are not limited to:

Legend jumping on this bungee thing.
A pig with testicals the size of volleyballs.
Two old women falling down.
and
My wife calling a four year old stranger a douche.

All in all, the whole thing left me feeling dirty.

Election Update

Sorry, I know I said I would stop talking about politics, but a lot has happened this week and I just want to make sure you all know about it.

Did you hear who is endorsing McCain now? Reggaeton superstar Daddy Yankee!

This might be the endorsement that puts McCain over the top with the literally hundreds of Americans who know who Daddy Yankee is.

Many say that the Daddy Yankee endorsement is just another part of McCain's strategy to appeal to younger voters – a demographic he has struggled with since the beginning of the election. At yesterday’s press conference, McCain addressed Daddy Yankee’s fans in one last attempt to win their votes:

(to be read in an extremely boring and slow, old man voice)

“Recently the hoity-toity media have been making a whole hullabaloo about that rag-a-muffin opponent of mine. They’ve been saying he’s the cat’s meow and that I am just an old wet blanket who gives you young whippersnappers the heebie-jeebies. But don’t believe that libral brouhaha. He may give swanky speeches and go around town in his jalopy - putting on the ritz everywhere he goes. But believe you me, I’m a pretty swell guy myself. Why, have you seen that lovely dame I’ve chosen to be my running mate? Hot crackers! Talk about a Greta Garbo... just take a peep at the gams on that flapper and tell me McCain isn’t the keenest guy in this side of Bull Run !”

Seriously, I have no idea what the hell old people are even saying when they talk!

And then he went on to say something about how if he wins the election, he is going to yell at every single kid who tries to walk or play on the white house lawn. Then he said something about one of the many wars he has lived through and then he refered to Daddy Yankee as "that Mexican" and then he took a nap.

Also, did you hear about the embarrassing gaffe (yes there has been yet another) his running mate Sarah Palin made in her interview with Charley Gibson yesterday when she misunderstood what he was asking her about?

The following is the transcript just after Gibson asked her to describe her feelings about America…

Palin: Well, I don’t really like her.
Gibson: So you are running for vice president of a country you don’t like?
Palin: Oh, you meant America the country? I thought you were talking about that Mexican girl from Ugly Betty.
Gibson: Nope, I meant the country.
Palin: Oh… yeah. Well, it’s just that she is sooooo ugly!
Gibson: What? Oh Ugly Betty?
Palin: Yeah. She has braces and her hair is all “waaah!”
Gibson: It’s just make up, you know?
Palin: Nuh-uh. ‘Cause make up makes you look pretty, not ugly.

Oh man! Two more months to go...

Rainbow

It's been raining the last couple days and yesterday I saw a huge rainbow going across the sky.

Look I personally don't care if sky is gay, I just hate when he is so flamboyant and in-your-face about it.

You don't see mountain trying to prove to everyone how straight he is!

What Started Out A Blog About Political Halloween Masks, Ended Up A Rant About Old People

At the grociery store they have Obama masks and McCain masks. I haven't decided which one to get yet. I guess I really need to decide who I want to scare the most: old people or young people.

Just kidding. Of course I want to scare old people more.

Did I ever tell you about how much I hate the elderly? 'Cause yeah...

Did you know some of them don't even have any teeth??? And have you ever seen one of them drive a car??? And the horrible stories they tell!!! And their skin!!!

What the hell old people?

Damn right I'm gonna get me an Obama mask. And I'm gonna scare every old person I can get my hands on (but of course I am not going to actually touch them, 'cause gross). And the thing is that mask will scare them all! - even the ones who don't know who Obama is.

I'll teach them a lesson for being so damn old!

Seriously, besides babies, is there anyone more selfish than old people? "Come listen to my story..." "Help me stand up..." "I need medicine..." "Stop abusing me..."

Makes me sick!

And did you know that right now there are several documented cases of people who are currently alive who are over 100 years old!!!!

That's not right!

And remember this guy?

And how he kept coming around to those people's house? I don't remember what exactly he was doing, but I remember he was annoying and scary. And way past his epiration date!

But yeah, some people want one of them to run this country!!!!

Shee-iit!

Politics

Politics are everywhere lately. No matter where I go, I hear people arguing about it. Even as I drive down the street, I see bumper stickers on every car. Bumper stickers like “Chevys Suck” and “I’d rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford”.

It’s terrible how our country is so divided right now. With Chevy states and Ford states. And nothing is even getting done in Washington these days because all either side even does anymore is argue.

That’s why I think the only hope for this country is if Calvin gets elected. He is the only truly bipartisan candidate. He has proven time and time again that he is both willing and able reach across party lines to get things peed on. He is a real maverick in Washington. His loyalty is not to the big car companies or their lobbyists, but to the American people and to his bladder. Look it up - his record of peeing on Ford is just as extensive as his record of peeing on Chevy:

If you are not convinced of his role as a maverick in this election, just take a look at his running mate. Everybody expected him to choose Hobbs, but he surprised us all by when he chose the mud flaps girl as his Vice Presidential candidate.
And what did the biased media do when he made that choice? Did they praise him for his daring decision? For his attempt to reach out to the female voters? For his ability to think outside of the box? Of course not. They attacked her character - they dug up some things from her past to try to incriminate her. Like the time she allegedly said that her grandkids were cuter than yours. And she was even accused of being able to go from zero to bitch in 20 seconds.

But the mudslinging and the personal attacks are not what we should be focusing on in this election. It’s not important whether Calvin’s running mate has been seen hanging out at truck stations - or if her daughter has a “baby on board”. No, what matters are the issues.

When it comes to foreign policy, he has more than enough experience:

He's tough on terrorism:
He has taken a stand on the immigration issue:

We know how he feels about gay rights: And like any ignorant and hateful politician, Calvin also appeals to the religious right:

But I don’t want you to take my word for it. The future of this country is in your hands. Go out there and drive around - research the issues for yourself. Make an informed decision and vote.

Religion

Mormon jokes

I'm Writing A Book

I am writing a book about a guy who gets a really bad gastrointestinal disease in the 1960s. It's called Cholera In The Time Of Love.

Hulk (Not Hogan)

I love comic books. But I hate when the super heroes are too gullible.

That's why Hulk is my favorite...

A Review Of The Beijing Olympics 2008

It's interesting because Women's Beach Volleyball is pretty much the same sport as Men's Beach Volleyball. But one is very enjoyable to watch, while the other I couldn't care less about.

Esteban Exposed

You know I really hate to be negative on this blog and I hate to use this as a forum to complain and to rant. And I definitely don’t usually like to call people out publicly like this, but something’s really been bothering me lately and I feel like I need to get it off my chest…

Esteban is a liar!

A month or so ago he said he made a robot called Estebot. And I knew he was lying because there’s no way Esteban would know how to make a robot – but I let it go. And then he started having parties at his house every weekend and inviting all these girls to come over to hang out with his robot (you know how some girls love robots). But the thing is, it was only Estebot at the parties – Esteban was never there. In fact, nobody has ever seen Estebot and Esteban in the same room at the same time.

So of course, I started to get even more suspicious. So a couple weekends ago, I even dressed up in a disguise and went and saw Estebot for myself. And it wasn’t surprised at all when it was obvious that Estebot is just Esteban in a robot costume, using a fake robot voice and trying to get chicks.

And you know, I was irritated by his bull crap, but still I just figured it’s none of my business so I’ll let it go. But then Esteban took things too far…

A week or so ago, he started a blog under his fake robot identity. That’s right, he is even blogging as Estebot now! Oh, and if you go to Esteban’s blog, you will see comments by Estebot. And conversations back and forth between the two of them.

So not only did he make up a fake persona to get girls, but now he is lying to everybody and pretending to blog as that persona. And in case that is not ridiculous enough for you, he even has conversations with himself back and forth - between himself and his fake robot.

You know, I guess I just take blogging very seriously, so it totally bugs me when I see him messing around with the medium like this. Lying to people, insulting our intelligence, creating fraudulent blogger accounts. Maybe I should report him to Blogger, so they can cancel his accounts.

Esteban, if you don’t take blogging seriously, just go find something else to do. Because we all know you are a fraud, we all know Estebot isn’t real and we are all sick of your crap!!!!

The Candiru

And you thought the Kancho was bad...

The Candiru is a very small fish which lives in the Amazon River. It swims up the water stream coming out of a fish’s gill. It has spines which it uses to get itself stuck in the fish’s gill and then just stays in there and lives off the fish’s blood.

WARNING: If you go swimming in the Amazon and pee in the water, the Candiru will swim up your pee stream and into your urethra where it will then use its spines to get itself nice and stuck in your thing.

When I first heard about the Candiru I was horrified (and happy that it didn’t live in the public pools I frequent). And even now when I think about it, I get the chills. What a terrifying thing to have happen!!!!

But the thing is, although everyone would agree that it would be extremely traumatizing and painful to have the Candiru up inside one's pee-hole, people often forget the psychological pain that would come after the fact – which I think might sometimes be worse.

Because the physical pain caused by the Candiru ensnared in your urethra might last a couple of years, but the emotional pain from your buddies always calling you “fishdick” would last a lifetime.

I mean if I ever had a Candiru inside me, of course I would totally be thinking “oh man this is excruciating pain! Please shoot me!” But you know, I think the first thought I would have would be “Damn it, the fellas will never let me live this down!”

History Of Graphic Design: Russian Constructivism

My favorite movement in the history of graphic design is Russian Constructivism (1919 – 1931).

It is best known for its geometric shapes and organizational grid structures, as well as its sans-serif letterforms and innovative use of photomontage.

But I sometimes wonder if Constructivism ever complained that guys are always staring at its BEWbs and not taking it seriously as an artistic movement.

I Know All There Is To Know About The Crying Game

Well maybe not all there is to know.

But I did read the Wikipedia article.

The Song That Never Ends

Remember that song “This is the song that never ends…”? Well I saw the VH1 Behind The Music documentary about it the other day. I guess I already knew the story behind it, but it was really interesting to watch.

You know, we sometimes hear that song and think it’s all nice and cute, but it was really tragic what happened to those poor people who ignorantly started singing it and then unfortunately continued singing it forever after that. Many of them ended up in mental institutions and most (understandably) ended up taking their own lives.

And I think the saddest part is the fact that the government intentionally got people started singing it in Tuskegee, Alabama back in the 1930s, withholding the details of what it was from the test subjects.

Almost 400 innocent people died with that song on their lips because of our government officials!!!!

It’s a really shameful moment in American history.

Inflation

I remember when you could get both a shave and a haircut for only two bits!!

And I am reminded of that fact every time I do my secret knock.

The Beard

After having recently grown a mustache, I’ve been thinking about getting a beard next. My wife is totally against it. In fact she says she will not go anywhere near me if I have one. And it’s not because she hates beards. But because she hates bees.

Oh, did I mention that the beard I am thinking of getting is a bee beard? Yeah, like this guy has:

Still I think it’s lame when women are superficial about this kind of thing. I mean come on ladies. Not every guy is going to be a Doctor McDreamy or a Doctor McSteamy. Some guys are bald, some guys have facial hair, and some guys have bees on their face (Doctor McStingy).

I like to hope you ladies out there in the blog-a-maniac community would give a guy a chance and get to know him regardless of his physical appearance.

I mean, ask yourself: Would you date a guy who had a bee beard? What about a yellow jacket mustache? Or a wasp soul-patch? A hornet goatee?

Because if you say no, you may be missing out on one of the sweetest, most perfect guys you’ll ever meet.

And I just want to say that I, for one, am not superficial. I once dated a girl who had a ladybug unibrow – in fact, she was my first true love.

At least I think it was a ladybug unibrow. It may have just been one of those little red dots (she was an Indian).

But we weren’t together long enough for me to find out for sure… She ended up breaking it off with me because of my cockroach sideburns.

And yeah, that is understandable, but it still hurt.

Even years later, it still sometimes hurts.

But not as much as the time one of my sideburns tried to burrow into my ear.

That was excruciating!

Grouch

When I was a little kid, I thought that a “grouch” was someone who lives in a garbage can and yells at people. But it turns out I had been taught the wrong term for years.

You know, they shouldn’t have called him Oscar the Grouch. It would have been more accurate if they had called him Oscar the Homeless Asshole.

Just Thinking

Do you think people are always getting Sting the singer and Sting the wrestler mixed up? You know, ‘cause I bet Sting the wrestler is always causing trouble and then Sting the singer gets blamed for it.

Like maybe Sting the singer goes into a restaurant and tries to pay with a check, but the waiter says “I’m sorry, we can’t take checks from you anymore.” And Sting the singer is like “why not?” and the waiter is all “We’ve just had too many of your checks bounce, so the manager has a new policy now that we can’t take any checks from Sting.” And even though Sting the singer has never been there before, he can’t really argue about it because it’s hard to convince them that they are confusing him with another guy when Sting isn’t really that common of a name.

And Sting the singer should probably not ever go to a wrestling match because maybe one of the wrestlers might be told to go out there and body slam Sting. And if that wrestler doesn’t think to confirm specifically which Sting he should body slam, it could be a real problem.

And I wonder if people always ask Sting the singer if he wrote Roxanne and he says "yes I did" and then the person says “I love that movie”.

And I wonder if people always ask that wrestler The Ultimate Warrior, “hey are you the Penultimate Warrior?” and he has to correct them and say “No, I come after that guy”.

And I wonder if people always ask that wrestler Triple H if he will tow their car for them.

Water Boarding

I should start by clarifying: I am talking about water boarding (the torture), not wake boarding (the water sport). I know I always get these things confused – whenever I hear someone saying that water boarding is inhumane, I always get defensive like “yeah, you may get a wedgie and a sun burn, but it’s not that bad” and then I end up embarrassed afterwords (the story of my life).

So anyway, water boarding - It is a cruel and inhumane form of torture and should never be permitted by any civilized government. It can result in extreme pain, damage to the lungs, brain damage and even death.

But you know what is even worse than being water boarded?

Being stuck in a shit hole bar on a Saturday night having to listen to a really bad 80’s cover band.
At least with water boarding you have that hope that you might get brain damage and not have to endure it any further.

I’m Ruined!

Betrayed… Stabbed in the back… I can’t believe this!

The joke – the one I told you about – my ticket out of the ghetto – she stole it and now she is taking credit for it!!!

She stole the prestige to my turn.

I was so close…

This Just In

The BBC is reporting today that actor Christian Bale was arrested in connection with an allegation of assault.

Michael Cane, acting as a spokesman for Mr. Bale, told reporters this morning that despite the reports, it was not Bale who attacked the woman at all: "It was a double," he stated "it's the only way."

Now, back to your regularly scheduled blog...

Clarification

There's been some questions lately and I just want to clear up any confusion you may still have...

Xenophobia – the fear or contempt of that which is foreign or unknown, especially of strangers or foreign people.

Xanaduphobia – the fear or contempt of that which is disco, especially of roller disco.

Counter-point

My authority on the subject of ladies has been challenged.

But I stand by my original post!

By the way, here's a little something for the ladies (the ladies who do appreciate a real gentleman)...

Today I am wearing a green paisley button down shirt (light starch), blue corderoy trousers, a brown braided leather belt (the end of which is tucked down into the belt itself), brown cotton socks, and a pair of sensible brown shoes. Finishing out this outfit is a silver watch, a pair of eyeglasses (olive green) and a sensible brown mustache (more on this later).

The Perfect Gentleman

If there’s one thing I know about, it’s ladies. And if there’s one thing I know about ladies, it’s that they don’t like you to ask them what they are wearing. Not over the phone, not in text messages, not in emails or instant messages. They hate that. They find it creepy and off-putting.

I’ve never done it either. I have never been so disrespectful as to ask a woman that. Nope, I am a gentleman - A perfect gentleman if you will (and even if you won't). I respect ladies and they feel comfortable around me. In fact, I am such a gentleman, that not only do I not ask them what they are wearing, but I actually do the opposite: I always like to tell a lady what I am wearing.

Guys, listen up. This is good advice – especially if you are still out there in the dating scene…

If any of you ladies have ever had the pleasure of emailing me or talking with me on the phone, you would know that it is not uncommon for me to start out my correspondence with a full description of what I am wearing. For example, here is a recent email I sent to a friend who had emailed me a question:

Hello (name withheld),

I am wearing a blue silk shirt with white buttons. There are seven buttons, six of which are buttoned. The shirt has a breast pocket on the left side and the sleeves are rolled up. I have a Guess Waterpro watch on my left arm. I have on a pair of casual men’s slacks (tan in color) and a black leather belt. I am wearing grey socks and a pair of black dress shoes.

Now, to answer your question…

You get the point.

It sets a lady at ease. Let’s her know what she is getting herself into. Let’s her know that you respect her and her boundaries.

Compare that to an email where you start out asking what they are wearing and you will notice that they much prefer my approach.

Am I right ladies?

Of course I am.

I will often inform a lady that I am wearing sandals and no socks. I will then add that anytime I state that I am wearing sandals that she can safely assume that I am not wearing socks (because I’m not that kind of guy). But I also let them know that if it makes them more comfortable that I can specify “no socks” each time.

You give a lady a choice. She’ll appreciate it.

When I was a dating man, I would never pick a girl up for a date without calling in advance to let her know what I will be wearing when I arrive at her door. She may use this information to coordinate her outfit, but that is not the point. The point is to set her mind at ease and to let her know what kind of evening to expect.

If I had enough advanced notice for the date, I would even send them a notarized letter describing what I will be wearing in full detail. (note: The notary will want you to be wearing the outfit you plan to wear when they notarize said affidavit).

“Did it work?” you are wondering. Well, why don’t you ask my WIFE?

(I have instructed her to tell you that it worked)

Trust me, women like to know what they are getting themselves into. And they like it when you make that special effort to make them feel comfortable. If you fellas take this advice, I guarantee you will thank me for it.

Oh and ladies… you’re welcome.

Retraction

I would like to retract something that I had said three weeks ago when discussing celebrities I would like to be friends with. At that time I had stated that I would like to be friends with Will from the Real World: Hollywood.

That was before I had seen the last two episodes of the season. In those two episodes, Will was an active participant in behavior I find disrespectful and unbecoming. I don’t care if he did stop being polite and started being real, his actions in those last two episodes are not something I condone nor support.

So I am retracting my wish to be his friend. And I no longer wish for my name to be associated with his.

Thank you for your understanding.

Fanny Pack?

I am thinking of getting a fanny pack. I know, I know. For some time there has been a real stigma attached to fanny packs, but they are making a comeback – that’s what I hear anyway. And I’m thinking of doing it.

I mean, I have too much stuff I need to carry in my pockets. And I just don’t have room unless I’m wearing cargo pants. But then there’s also a stigma attached to wearing cargo pants everyday – at least I think there is. And if there’s not, maybe there should be. I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll leave that open for discussion.

And remember back in the days when people would be at a party and you grab a guy and throw him into the pool with his clothes on and everything? Well, you can’t do that anymore because a guy has so many electronic things in his pocket these days.

Look at the things I have to carry in my pockets on a daily basis:

You see now why I need a fanny pack? That’s a lot of stuff and it’s totally uncomfortable to carry all that. And when your pockets are that full, nobody can even sit on your lap without jamming your camera and keys into your thigh.

And you’re thinking “well Gats, maybe you just need to simplify your life and stop carrying all that stuff” and maybe you’re right. But I actually have already simplified. Look at all the stuff I used to carry (but at least back then I did have a fanny pack)…
Boy, those were the days…

But really, I need a fanny pack. Maybe if I get a denim one it will just blend in with my jeans?

A Few Quick Thoughts

There is a new reality show on VH1 called I Love Money staring some of my favorite cast members from Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and Rock of Love who are all sharing a mansion and competing for $250,000. I have never in my life wanted to be a part of something more than I wish I was a part of this show.

A saw a program on BET last weekend. It was a televised stage production of a play and it was titled BET’s Soul Theater Presents: Love on Lay-Away. I enjoyed several scenes from this play, but what I enjoyed most was knowing that I was watching a show called BET’s Soul Theater Presents: Love on Lay-Away.

For a Caucasian, I am surprised at how often I am entertained by the programming on Black Entertainment Television.

I have always said that I hate guns. But sometimes I think it would be cool to pistol whip someone. So maybe I just don’t like shooting guns.

I wonder if there’s ever been a drive-by pistol whipping.

The thing I like most about Bollywood movies is that the women are so graceful and feminine and lovely. The thing I like least about Bollywood movies is that the men are so goofy and feminine and creepy. I saw a girl with a license plate that said GRLFRND. And her license place frame said “Zero to bitch in 22 seconds”. It’s interesting how you can hate somebody so much whom you have never actually met.

Warning: I am growing a mustache (more on this later).

The New Kids On The Block have a new music video and I am really impressed that after all these years those guys are able to hang out with such hot girls. I mean, I know that they are just actresses and models being paid to be there. But I am still impressed that they were able to hire such hot actresses and models.

I was at a record store and I overheard the employees talking to someone about Coldplay. It sounded like they had not heard much of Coldplay and were hesitant to purchase the new CD. The employees were trying to convince this person that they would like it. I turned around to help and saw that they were talking to a female customer. “Oh, you’re a girl?” I said. “Well then, you’ll like Coldplay”.

A Personal Jack-O-Lantern

Wife: Can I help carve that?

I didn't even respond.

Women

So the local grocery store has those small “personal watermelons” for $2.44. Which is a pretty decent price comparatively, so I picked one up.

Me (to my wife): Do you want a personal watermelon?
Wife: Are you getting that?
Me: Yeah. Do you want one?
Wife (considers for a moment and then): No thanks.
Me: Look, I want this to be clear – this is my PERSONAL watermelon. Would you like YOUR OWN personal watermelon?
Wife: No.

Later that day. At home. I am eating my personal watermelon.

Wife: Can I have some?
Me: What part of “personal watermelon” do you not understand?
Wife: Just a little…


Women.

Seriously!

The Package Of Hostess Cupcakes In The Machine At Work

Hostess Cupcakes: Hello Gatsby.
ME: (nervous) Oh, hi cupcakes.
HC: Haven’t seen you around in a while.
ME: Oh… Yeah. No, I’ve been really busy.
HC: Too busy for your old friend cupcakes?
ME: No. Come on, it’s not like that…
HC: Oh yeah, what’s it like then?
ME: Well I’ve been exercising and…
MC: Ha ha ha!
ME: What? Is that funny?
HC: No, go ahead.
ME: Well I’ve been eating better, less junk food…
HC: (looks offended)
ME: … I didn’t mean it that way.
HC: (coldly) Hey Gatsby, let me ask you something. Who has always been there for you when you were hungry?
ME: You have, but…
HC: And who has always been there for you when you were depressed?
ME: You, but…
HC: And what about when you were bored?
ME: You.
HC: When you were scared?
ME: You.
HC: And wh…
ME: Come on cupcakes…
HC: (angry) Don’t interrupt me… Don’t EVER %$@ing interrupt me! (lowers his voice again and appears to collect his thoughts) …I have always been there for you, Gats… And now you think I am junk?
ME: I don’t think you’re junk. I’m just… I’m trying to lose weight.
HC: (in high-pitched mocking voice) “Ooooh I’m trying to lose weight”
ME: Don’t be like that.
HC: Like what? So I shouldn’t be hurt?
ME: No. I understand that you’re hurt... Just… It’s not like it has been easy for me.
HC: (says nothing, looks around the room)
ME: I think about you all the time. I do… and… and I do miss you.
HC: (softly) I miss you too.
ME: But I can’t keep coming around here every time… you know… every time I want to… feel better or whatever.
HC: I like making you feel better.
ME: I know and… and I like the way you… but…
HC: No, Gats… look… I understand.
ME: You do?
HC: Yeah. I understand.
ME: Thank you.
HC: But Gats… I… I just want to tell you, if you ever change your mind… If you ever need somebody… I’ll… I’ll always be here for you.
ME: Thank you, cupcakes... That means a lot to me.
HC: Well you know I love you.
ME: Yeah, I know.
HC: Hey, you’d better get back to your desk now.
ME: Yeah… Yeah.

As I walk away from the vending machine, a tear wells up in cupcakes’ eye. And I’m far enough away that he doesn’t hear me when I whisper the following under my breath:

ME: I love you too cupcakes.

Friends I Wish I Had

I’m not really one of those people who has a lot of friends. There are a very few people that I really like and trust enough to consider my friend. And I like to think that that is my choice – that I am picky or something (rather than this being a reflection of how people feel about me).

And I am not in desperate need of friends or anything, but sometimes I see people and think to myself “I could be their friend”.

I was thinking about it lately and I think I would like to be Eminem’s friend. I think we have a similar world view – and I don’t really get along with my mother much either. But I don’t think he would want to be my friend. He doesn’t seem to have much tolerance for bullshit – which is kind of what I specialize in. Anyway, as much as I may want it, I don’t think Slim and I will ever be friends.

Also have you been watching The Real World? There this guy named Will on it (the dude with dreadlocks) and he’s a really cool guy. Anyway, I’d like to be friends with Will. He and I could just hang out and stuff, go to the clubs, whatever. He spits some smooth game. I like that guy.

I also always thought that it would be great to be friends with Aaliyah (before she died of course). And it certainly wouldn’t be the most healthy friendship. I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate it much. One of those self destructive relationships and all that. But still, I think it would have been cool to hang out with her.

And it’s interesting because I just realized that all three of these friends I wish I had are all from Detroit. Maybe I just have a connection with people from that kind of life for some reason.

No, that can't be it. Because I don’t want to be friends with Madonna (also from Detroit).

I mean, I don’t hate her. If I met her at a party, I would be cordial and stuff. But I wouldn’t want to like hang out or talk on the phone to her or anything.

Anonymous Karimzada (not from Detroit) thinks it’s because I want friends who can either protect me or beat me up. But I don’t think that’s true. Because she’s my friend. And I could totally beat her up.

Depending on the circumstances of course.

But I’d say generally I could take her.

Bipolar Express

If you don’t get your package in time, try to understand, we’ve had a bad week

At Bipolar Express we guarantee your package delivered the next day – or in a month… depending how things go. Look, we may not be the most reliable courier service, but what we lack in reliability, we more than make up for in customer service. Or at least we do half of the time. We admit it’s a struggle. We take things day by day. Some days are just better than others. If you don’t get your package in time, try to understand, maybe we had a bad week. That’s all. You’ll get it sometime... Or not...

We’re not making you any promises.

And that is a guarantee we can stand by.

The Hotchuma Hotchuma Challenge

Look, I don’t mean to brag, but if you’ve been reading my blog for a while then you are probably aware of that I am responsible for inventing one of the greatest catch phrases of our time: Hotchuma Hotchuma!

I mean I might die next week. And if I do, I would like to hope that Hotchuma Hotchuma would be my legacy – my contribution to our culture. But the problem is that this phrase isn’t popular enough yet. I know that some of you use this phase at times, but I think we really need to step it up.

So here is the challenge: Use the phrase “Hotchuma Hotchuma” as many times as you can through out this week. People will catch on, I promise. They may ask you about it, they may not. You may hear them using it themselves (hopefully). The ultimate goal is to get this phrase heard. To get it out there and for it to eventually become as much a part of our lexicon as “wassup dude?”, “eat my dust”, or “where my homies at?”

And after you have had the chance to use it, please come back and report on this blog how it went. This way we can encourage each other and together witness the growth of this movement.
To help you out, here are some examples of how to use the phrase:

You can use it to describe an attractive person:
Dude, what are you staring at?
That Hotchuma Hotchuma over there. Do you think she’ll talk to me?
Probably not.

You can use it as a complement:
Why are you staring at me?
I think you are totally Hotchuma Hotchuma!
Please go away.

You can also use it to describe something’s temperature:
Hotchuma Hotchuma!
What, is your soup too hot?
Yes.

And I am sure you can think of your own use as well.

Also, these may come in handy…

The opposite of Hotchuma Hotchuma: Notchuma Notchuma!
En Espaniol: !Calientechuma Calientechuma!

And once “Hotchuma Hotchuma” takes off (and only after it takes off), we will then be able to start making variations of it…

When discussing robots: Robotchuma Robotchuma!
When discussing bad plastic surgery: Botchuma Botchuma!
When discussing former Mayor of New York: Ed Kotchuma Ed Kotchuma!
When discussing the Hopple: Motchuma Motchuma!

I have even toyed with a new kind of Knock Knock Joke:

Knockchuma knockchuma.
Who’schuma therechuma?
Hotchuma
Hotchuma whochuma?
Hotchuma Hotchuma!!!!

(Just imagine telling that to a real-life hotchuma hotchuma – she’d go crazy)

Or how about a twist on the old Abbot and Costello routine: Who’schuma On Firstchuma?

Are you starting to see the potential of this? It’s beautiful!

So the challenge starts now. Use the phrase Hotchuma Hotchuma on the internet, in public forums, at the dinner table, in very private and very personal conversations whispered in dark corners and alleyways (yes, I am talking about you – you know who you are). And then leave comments here telling how it went. I will not be posting any new blogs for a week because I want you all to focus on this challenge (but check my other blogs because most of them will be updated through out the week).

Alright,

Ready?

Go!

Pain

I rode my bike 11 miles last night. I went 5.5 miles (mostly up-hill) to Blockbuster Video to exchange a movie I had rented for a new one. When I got to the counter, I realized that the DVD was not in its case. There are not swear words harsh enough to describe the way I felt – though I tried all that I knew on the 5.5 mile ride home.

Anyway, I made the following diagram to show you what my legs feel like today…

The Time Traveler

TIME TRAVELER: Hello Gatsby.
ME: Hi. Uh… do I know you?
TT: Yes, we’ve met… but in another time.
ME: Another time?
TT: Yes. See, I’m a time traveler. And I have come to deliver an important message.
ME (excited): Oh… awesome! Are you really from the future?
TT: No, not from the future. I have traveled from the past. From the year 2003.
ME: (confused) So you have come from the past to give me a message?
TT: That’s right.
ME: So why didn’t you just tell me back in 2003?
TT: We needed to be sure it would be safe.
ME: So it wasn’t safe to tell me then, but it’s safe to tell me now in 2008?
TT: Correct.
ME: Why didn’t you write it down and put it in an envelope? Then you could have just handed it to me and told me not to open it until today.
TT: (getting irritated) Look, that’s not these things work okay? I mean if you want to argue about it…
ME: No, I don’t. I… I’m sorry, go ahead. Tell me. Give me the wisdom of the past.
TT: Are you making fun of me now?
ME: No. I mean it. I want to hear it.
TT: Well… in the year 2001, there was a terrorist attack…
ME: On the World Trade Center?
TT: Yeah… how did you know?
ME: I was there.
TT: You were at the world Trade Center?
ME: No. I mean, I was alive in 2001. I saw it on TV.
TT: Oh… Well, I need to warn you that Global Warming is a real issue...
ME: Yeah, I know.
TT: (getting flustered) Oh... um… Well, you need to be careful… uh… because the economy is in decline. In the year 2003, we are paying over two dollars a gallon for gas!!
ME: Yeah. I remember what that was like. But it’s even worse now.
TT: Wh… What are you doing, dude?
ME: What do you mean?
TT: Look, I have traveled across time to bring you this important information and you are acting like you don’t even want to hear it.
ME: No, I do want to hear it. It’s just… I already know these things. You are from the past… so I already know this stuff.
TT: Oh, so you know everything because you’re from the future? You’re just the all-knowing future-guy now huh?
ME: No, that’s not what I’m saying. It’s just…
TT: Alright. Look… We are not really supposed to tell you personal stuff because of all the paradoxes and stuff. But in the past, you had a child and his name was Legend.
ME: Yeah, I know. I was there.
TT: (desperate) I can tell you who won games… I can tell you who won the Super Bowl in the year 2002!
ME: Yeah, or I could just look it up on-line.
TT: I can… oh… hey I know… I have one! This is one you won’t get… In the past, there is a tragic accident that results in the death of a famous R&B singer. Her name was…
ME: Aaliyah?
TT: Ha! No!!! Nope, her name was Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez. You see? You see? I do have important information for you.
ME: Wait a minute. If I had said “Left Eye”, you were going to say Aaliyah weren’t you?
TT: (no answer)
ME: Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t I tell you about something from the future? Listen… There is a great leader who will rise from the African American community to…
TT: I already know about 50 Cent!
ME: No, not 50 Cent. I mean, right now running for office…
TT: No! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me!
ME: What?
TT: Don’t tell me. You don’t know what kind of paradox you might create if you tell someone in the past about…
ME: So you’re going back?
TT: No. Of course not. You can’t go back. You can only travel forward through time. Never back!
ME: Well, then you had better not read the paper or turn on the TV if you are afraid of learning something about this time.
TT (he is getting irritated): Of course I won’t! What are you crazy? Anyway, this… This is bullshit… I came to you with information all the way across the space-time continuum and you’re just being a total dick about it. Do you even know how hard it is to open a wormhole and leap across the very fabric of time?
ME: No, I…
TT (very angry now): Seriously, I’m out of here dude! You missed your chance… Look, I am going to go ahead another couple of years and hopefully when I find you again you are more open-minded and hopefully you are ready to learn from us.
ME: Alright. Alright. Uh… I do have one question. You said I had met you back in your time?
TT: Yes… Yes, I’m Chris… Remember?
ME: (I still don’t recognize him) Oh yeah. Chris! That’s right. Look, I’m sorry about all of this, Chris… I mean...
TT (calming down): No. It’s okay… Like I said, hopefully when I travel to your future, you will be ready to hear the message and the warnings we have to offer you.
ME (confused): Okay… Yeah. I guess. I… I guess I’ll see you in the future then.
TT: Oh, hey. Is there any message you want me to give the future you. Any kind of warning or anything he should know?
ME (still confused): No… Nope, that’s cool. I’ll uh… I mean… it doesn’t matter because I’ll already know it…
TT (rolls his eyes and shakes his head disapprovingly) Goodbye Gatsby.

Unfortunately, this sign is not as relevant at my work.

Believe it or not, this sign actually has a very practical application where I work.

Severance Package

I’ve never received a Severance Package, but I would love to get one (not having to go to work anymore, but still getting a big paycheck). That would be awesome!

A Severed Package, however, is not awesome at all!

I sincerely hope I never get one of those.

And that’s interesting because the words are only slightly changed, but the meaning is significantly different.

So I was thinking about that and I guess if someone who mumbles ever offers me what sounds like a “severance package”, I’m going to make sure I ask him to repeat himself (or maybe write it down) before I agree to anything.

Buttermilk

You know buttermilk is interesting. You would think that because of its name that you could use it as a substitute for either butter or milk.

But you’d be wrong in both cases.

I think they should change its name to reflect more accurately its usage - they should just call it Finger Paint Medium.

And then nobody would get confused and ruin their toast in the morning when those were the last couple slices of bread left and then ruin the last bit of cereal in the house. And now they’re stuck with nothing else to eat and they’re starving.

Thanks a lot "buttermilk"!

Going Green

Everyone is becoming more environmentally friendly these days. Even the huge evil corporation I work for.

That’s right, it's 2008. It's time we do the responsible thing - finally we are going to do what is right by mother earth.

First order of business, let’s print up a thousand little fliers and post them up to advertise to the employees how environmentally conscious we are going to be:

WE ARE GOING GREEN EVERYBODY!!!!!!

…uh… starting next month I guess.

Sex And The City Movie!!!!!!!

So over the weekend I saw the new Sex And The City movie.

No, just kidding...

I'm straight.

In A Club????

Have you been watching BET? Have you been listening to the radio?

Have you heard the new Usher song?

I mean Usher the singer, not the old guy that helps you find a chair.

It’s called “Love In This Club” and the chorus goes “I wanna make love in this club, in this club. I wanna make love in this club, in this club.”

I looked up the lyrics and they follow a similar theme:

“And I don’t care who’s watchin’, watchin’, watchin’ watchin, watchin, ohhh, in this club, On the floor, baby just making love.”

Seriously?

Isn’t there garbage and spilled cheetos and stuff on the floor in a club??

Not only is that not romantic or hygenic in any way, I’d say that biggest problem with this whole thing is that it’s not very considerate of other people at the club. I mean, I know he doesn’t care who’s watchin’, watchin’ watchin’, watchin’ watchin. But really, sometimes people go to a club just looking for a good time out with friends. They don’t want to see that. I mean, maybe some do, but I don’t.

Back in the old days, if you met a nice girl in a club, you would buy her a drink and maybe say “uh…you wanna get out of here?” And you’d go find an empty alley way or the back of your friend’s car.

But not in a club!!!

Hey, call me old fashioned - call me a romantic, but I don’t understand kids these days. I guess I still prefer the way some things used to be done. This “in this club” stuff is a little much for me.

And shame on you, Usher (the singer). You know, I bet Usher (the old guy who helps you find a chair) would treat a lady better than this. I bet he’s old school. I bet he’s perpetrating an 808 every time he meets a nice young lady.



By the way, if you want to read the rest of the lyrics, you’ll have to look up yourself. WARNING: They may make you lose all faith in mankind.

The Wait Is Over...

Behold the Heinder and McPig comic series you've been waiting for: Heinder And McPig: Attorneys At Law - an interactive cartoon experience featuring the Pretty Little Gentlemen.

Don't say I never do anything for you.

Lowell Cats

The new internet meme...

The Way The Rain Comes Down Hard, That’s The Way I Feel Inside

So I got two free tickets to see the Cure play at the E Center last Friday. I found out at about four o’clock, so I didn’t even have enough time to paint my fingernails black before the show.

It was kind of sad because when this little goth chick found out about the tickets, she totally wanted me to take her... But I ended up going with Suave Faire instead.

It was great. I ended up crying so much during the show that my cheeks are still stained with eyeliner.

If I had to rate the experience, I would give it 7 stars (out of ten).

But the thing is, I just kept thinking that as cool as it was seeing Robert Smith live and in person, it’s not better than lying in the dark listening to Disintegration or Wish turned up loud on my headphones.

Then on Saturday night, I did lay in the dark listening to Disintegration turned up loud on my headphones. And I would give that experience a 9 star rating.

Sunday night, I did the same thing with the Wish album (the first CD I ever bought) - 10 stars.

Monday night, I just laid there in the dark, curled up in the fetal position listening to the song A Letter To Elise on repeat for a couple hours until I fell asleep (10 very sad stars).

And it was pouring rain most of the weekend, so that helped with the Cure mood I was in too.

Yep, it was an awesome weekend!

Bad Customer Service Experience

Hip Clothing Store Employee: Hello. Did you find everything alright?
Me: Not really. I couldn’t find anything I liked in my size.
HCSE (looking me up and down): Yeah, we don’t really have much of a fat asshole section.
Me (surprised): WHAT!!!???
HCSE (shrugs)
Me: Let me talk to your supervisor.
HCSE (on intercom): Can I get a manager up front?

(Manager comes up to the counter)

Manager (to HCSE): What’s up?
HCSE (gestures to me): It’s upset that we don’t have the clothes it likes in it’s size.

(Manager looks at me)

Manager: Did you tell it we don’t have a fat asshole section?
HCSE: I told it, but it won’t go away.
Manager: Well come to the back room and we’ll wait until we close up at nine. Then we can make it leave.
HCSE (to me): I’ll be right back, sir. I’m going to get a manager in the back.
Me: But...

(Manager and MCSE walk into the back room)

I wait for another 25 minutes and then leave

I Touched You At The Sound Check, You Had No Real Way Of Knowing

So anyway, let’s talk about last weekend. I went to see M.I.A. in concert. B already told his side of the story, but now it’s time for me to tell mine.

I went with a couple of Blog-a-maniacs: B and Anonymous Karimzada...
(she's clearly - and understandably - a little embarrassed to be seen with us)

Anyway, the opening act was this DJ called Egyptian Lover (what were his parents thinking?). After a couple of songs two young ladies came out to join him on stage – what his relationship was to these young ladies was never addressed (but I assume they were his sisters).

I would say there were three overall themes that ran through out Egyptian Lover’s performance. First, that he like’s women. Second, that he considers himself “old school”. And third, the numbers 8 0 8.

He never explained what 808 meant, but he kept making the crowd chant it. I assumed he was referring to Hawaii’s area code, but after the show I did some research and discovered that 808 is actually the Los Angeles Penal Code for Old School. As in “I'm gonna need back up at El Segundo and 105th. There is an 808 in progress. Perp is a black male in his early twenties with a red leather jacket and a jerry curl."

Anyway, after that guy was finally done doing his thing, M.I.A. came out and put on a pretty awesome show. And as always, she was wearing a very tasteful and elegant (and hotchuma hotchuma) outfit. And I think she was wearing a wig. Either that, or she just experienced a very traumatic event...

Some of these pictures were taken by Anonymous (thanks!) because she had the best vantage point – having been ushered to the front of the stage because of her (lack of) height.

Then after a couple songs, M.I.A. started inviting people from the crowd to join her on stage...

Take careful note of the Orthodox Rabbi who was there making sure the concert remained Kosher and that nobody tried to smuggle any ham onto the stage.

And I knew it was inevitable, but with all those fans dancing on stage, it didn’t take long to quickly turn gay...
Anyway after the Rabbi found out what was going on, he made everybody get off the stage and the show continued.

I was up near the front of the stage for most of the show and when she climbed into the crowd, I touched her leg. Don’t worry, it wasn’t dirty or anything. It’s just one of those things where you respect an artist's talent so much, that you want to touch their thigh in a crowd where they wouldn't know it was you and can't press charges.
Also as I was up at the front, M.I.A. kept holding the microphone out to me so I could sing along... But being put on the spot like that, I couldn’t remember any lyrics, so I kept politely declining her offer with a “no thank you”.

Plus I've learned my lesson about trying to sing along when at a concert. A couple of years ago, I saw the band Divine Comedy play. As the singer was singing, he kept looking at me and noticing that I was mouthing the words as he sang them and he was thinking to himself “hey this guy is great. He knows all of my songs” and then while he was singing a song that I was not as familiar with, he totally made eye contact with me and I was mouthing the words along as he sang – and I got some of them wrong. This lead to him losinging his concentration and singing the wrong words. After he recovered, he looked at me with a look of disgust.

So anyway, I've never sung along at any concert again after that. Sorry M.I.A..



Man, she's so cool!

Mexico Day

So as you know, it is "Associate Appreciation Week" here at the huge impersonal corporation I work for. And today's theme is Mexico, so everything is Mexican themed. There is even a big sign when you come in the door that says "Hola! Gracias" (Hello! Thank you).

And as per the itinerary, they will be providing chips and salsa (free of charge) in the break room as well as playing movies. I can only assume the movies will be movies that are Mexican in nature.

Considering the great amount of thought already put into this futile excersize, I have come up with a list of "Mexican" movies I am expecting them to play:

Three Amigos
The Mexican - staring Brad Pitt
Spanglish
Cheech and Chong movies (also will work for Thursday's Japanese activities)
West Side Story
When A Man Loves A Woman - staring Andy Garcia
My Family/ Mi Familia
Ugly Betty reruns
Speedy Gonzales cartoons
Stand And Deliver
La Bamba
Once Upon a Time In Mexico
Zorro - staring Katherine Zeta Jones and Antonio Banderas (as Mexicans)
Vanilla Sky -staring Penelope Cruz
Crash
Cannon Ball Run - Staring Burt Reynolds (not technically Mexican, but does have a mustache)
Carlito's Way
Scarface
Girls Gone Wild: Cancun Spring Break (hopefully)

Ass. Appreciation

Well, I have a great story about last weekend, but that will just have to wait because this week at work is “Associate Appreciation Week” – the week, my company’s management lets the lower-level employees know how much they appreciate everything we do.

Now as you review this week’s planned activities, you need to keep a couple of things in mind:

1. This is a company staffed by grown adults ranging in age from early twenties to late sixties.
2. These are activities planned by grown adults to show adults that they are respected and honored in their current employment.

This week’s activities are as follows:

Monday (today): New York Day. There is a New York themed crossword puzzle, signs that say “How ya doing?” (that's what New Yorkers say), and there are free bagels and apples (that's what New Yorkers eat).

Tuesday: Mexico Day. There will be a piñata and desk games (heads up seven up?). In the break room, you will enjoy chips and salsa and movies (Mexican movies?).

Wednesday: Italy Day. An Italian lunch will be provided and also something called “Mona Lisa Pictures”.

Thursday: Japan Day. The Japan day activities include Sudoku, Origami and fortune cookies (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Friday: Hawaii Day. Shaved ice, candy leis, pineapple tasting (But not eating?), an obstacle course (!!), and “picture taking with friends” (which is prohibited every other day of the year).

Oh and feel free to come to work dressed in the theme of the day – for example, on New York day, dress like a New Yorker would dress.

Again, these are not activities for the children of the employees, but rather activities for the employees themselves.

Who are of reasonable mental capacity.

In theory.

I already feel appreciated!!!!

Not really.

I am going to have to steel a lot of office supplies to make myself feel better about this shit!

Advice For Parents

You ever try to get your kid to move from one room in the house to another? You know, like “go to your room”, or “come into the kitchen” or “come upstairs with me” - that kind of thing? Well it never works. Most of the time, they ignore you or out right tell you NO.

And of course you can try to trick them by telling them that there is ice cream in that room, but after a couple times, they know that there isn’t – or if there is, that you’re not going to really share it with them.

But I have found a solution...

The key is to turn off the lights in all the rooms you do not want them in (including the one they are currently in) and then only turn on the light in the room that you want them to end up in.

Kids are like moths or flies - they will always want to be in a room with light. They definitely do not want to be stuck in a dark room that they have heard has skeleton monsters in it.


Warning – this may not work in the day time.

Advice For Single People

When choosing a potential spouse, one should carefully consider the situation of those who would become his or her future in-laws.

And whenever possible should marry an orphan.

Or at least someone who’s family lives in a foreign country.

Rock The Vote

You know I’ve been thinking about it and they say that “if you don’t vote, you can’t complain about who wins”. And not only am I not voting for American Idol, I’m not even watching the show, so I guess I should just stop complaining.

I’m just sick of every Utahan/Mormon that shows up on reality TV being so embarrassingly lame.

Anyway, like I said, I’m done complaining. I’m backing out of this argument today.

If you like American Idol or the David Archuleta, don’t let me sway you. By all means rock the vote.

And by “rock”, I mean like Lionel Ritchie and Barry Manilow rock.

Hey it’s on your conscience...

The D.A. For President

Dude, what if we were not only voting for the David Archuleta as our American Idol, but we were also voting for the David Archuleta as our American President?

How would you vote?

I mean the issues should really be the main focus. But that can get confusing. For example, what is his stand on abortion? Because yeah, he is against abortion, but at the same time, he represents a very good argument for abortion. So the issues can get kind of muddy.

And what about the Reverend Wright controversy? Again, it's confusing because the David Archuleta isn't technically associated with the pastor, but he does help to reinforce the skepticism of Americanism within Wright's sermons. I know when I heard Wright's speech where he was saying "G** Damn America!", I questioned that sentiment. But then when last week when the David Archuleta returned to Utah and I saw this LIVE on TV:
I have to admit, at that moment I caught myself saying the very same thing.

Also, this election has shown us that a candidate's personality is equally as important as the issues or the relationships to controversial figures. And in this case the D.A. will definitely have the upper hand - because what other candidate can do an impression of Clay Aiken doing an impression of Whitney Houston?

No one can.

Just him.

And all the other people on American Idol, I guess.

And is that something we should be celebrating?

Or supporting?

Look I'm just trying to process this all.

It's all just been so very disturbing.

The D.A.

So they caught they guy who stole over $9,000 from my company. They just told us that they now have enough evidence to turn the case over to the D.A..

Look, I admit that I don't watch American Idol. But even if he is as good of a singer as everyone says, I think it’s ridiculous to hand something like this over to the David Archuleta.

Tragedy

Oh man.

Did you guys hear about what happened?

I just feel so bad for all of the Chinese people who have been affected by this tragedy.

Those poor people...


So, so misguided.

Little Girls and Baseball

They don’t mix.

Seriously, they just don’t get it.

Look at this little girl. She seems pretty excited to be at a baseball game doesn’t she?

But the thing is she doesn’t want to watch baseball.

Nope. She wants to do anything BUT watch baseball. In fact, more than anything, she wants to run around all crazy acting like a monkey.

And look at this poor guy trying to watch the game:

Do you think she’s going to let him?

Nope. She is going to rip his hat off his head and throw it. And then when he goes to get it, she’s going to try to eat his chair.

What????

In fact, she didn’t let anyone enjoy the game. Even this lady had to fight her the whole time (while I was busy taking pictures):

I hardly even saw any of the game!

And you know, for once I would like to be able to stay more than 3 or 4 innings.

Anyway, I guess my point is don’t waste your time or money taking a little girl to a baseball game.

And if she’s anything like Priya, you should probably consider not taking her ANYWHERE.

Funny Jokes

Do you like funny jokes?

Do you enjoy a funny picture?

Here you go!

Lover Or Fighter

I heard a guy say "I'm a lover, not a fighter".

And I was thinking about how I am not really either of those things.

I guess more than anything, I'm a sitter.

And sometimes an eater.

Fear

Some people are afraid of snakes.

And some people are afraid of ghosts.

But EVERYBODY is afraid of snake ghosts.

Election 2008: You Must Choose, But Choose Wisely

Senator Hillary Clinton has been campaigning vigorously the last couple of days, visiting small towns across the mid-west and trying to solidify her lead among the working class voters. Many of those who have heard her recent speeches have noted that physically she seems tired and that many of the points she has been making have come across as bizarre or nonsensical.

And then there is the issue of the large wooden crate she has been carrying around with her on the campaign trail...
During a press conference on Wednesday, Clinton was asked the question that has been on everyone’s minds lately. Just what exactly is inside that crate?

Her reply: “It contains the Ark of the Covenant. It’s like a radio to God.”

As reporters clambered to ask Clinton follow up questions to that shocking answer, her advisors shut off her microphone and hurried her off the stage.

In a press release this morning, a representative of the Clinton campaign stated that “Senator Clinton has been under a lot of stress lately and that she will be taking a short break from her busy campaigning for the remainder of the week”.

But an anonymous insider leaked to reporters this afternoon that Clinton was in fact confused about this coming Tuesday’s Indiana primary saying that she “thought it was actually an Indiana Jones primary.”

Although Clinton has neither confirmed nor denied these claims, this explanation does help to explain some of the strange comments she’s been making along the campaign trail, including the recent speech she delivered where she stated “What American’s really needs to understand is that in the Latin, Jehovah starts with an I”. During the same speech, she playfully mocked Senator Obama’s recent apology for having referred to voters as ‘bitter’, saying “he claims to be penitent, but we all know that only the penitent man will pass… and that the penitent man kneels before God.”

What effect this new development will have on her bid for the Democratic candidacy, is yet to be seen. But when asked about his opponent, Senator Obama simply reiterated his position: “Hey, I told you she was a crazy son-of-a-bitch.”

Bzzzzz!

So I just realized that I have been so busy covering politics and local interest stories lately, that I have been neglecting another important reason people read this blog – sports features.

Last week I went with this guy:
to watch some guys called THE BEES do this:

It was fun. I don’t know a lot about baseball, but I know the basics (hit the ball, run around the bases, three strikes you’re out, etc.). I mean, I know more about it than Legend does, so I was totally showing off to him – saying things like “he’s going to run to the other base now” and “that guy needs to catch the ball now” – and I am not bragging when I admit that he was pretty impressed.

Anyway, we did get into a little argument about whether the team needed a pitcher or a belly-itcher. Legend kept insisting that we needed a pitcher, while I remained indignant that if we played a strong enough defense, that an old fashioned belly-itcher would be a welcome distraction to the long game.

We even came up with a new twist on the old Abbot and Costello routine “Who’s On First”:

Legend: Who’s on first?
Me: Ramirez.
Legend: Who’s on second?
Me: I’m not sure.

And then we laughed and laughed!

Then after a couple of innings, we kept hearing these guys behind us heckling the players, so we decided we should join in. And then for the rest of the game we just kept yelling out stinging and witty criticisms at the opposing team to try to break their moral. Some of the great ones we used were:

“You’re not very good, number 27!”

“Hey first-base player, you’re abilities are mediocre at best!”

“Yo Brown, I am beginning to question your decision to pursue baseball as a career!

“Hey batter batter batter! I suggest you consider swinging, batter!”

And finally my most stinging critique:

“You need to spend more time practicing during your free time and during the off season. Even if that means you sacrifice some of the other activities or hobbies that you enjoy. I mean, if there's a TV show you are going to miss as a result, then you could always just tivo it. But really, you need more practice!”

I swear, when I yelled out that last one, I could see the guy start to cry.

Oh, and we ate one of these:

Actually, I ate it. Legend was afraid of it.

Actually, I was afraid of it too, but I ate it anyway.

The Media

So you may remember that last Tuesday, I blogged about all these young bums I’ve been seeing lately and how I was impressed that I saw them organizing their efforts.

Then last Thursday night, they showed a story on channel 2 news where they were saying that these kids are just faking the homeless thing to get some cash. So then on Friday, I blogged about how I was really disappointed with the hobo community.

But then last night (Monday) on channel 13 news, they showed a story saying that the young bums actually really are homeless after all (see the story here). So then I was sad about these homeless kids.

It’s confusing and I don’t know how to feel about these young homeless people anymore – especially when their story keeps changing.

But I was also thinking that it's kind of a stretch to think this is merely a coincidence that as soon as I post a story on my blog, all the local news channels start running the same story a few days later... Clearly, they are getting their story ideas from ME.

That’s right. CODENAME: Blogtastica is where all the news channels get their news.

They could at least give me credit.

Bastard media!

Betrayed

Remember on Tuesday I was telling you about these Young Urban Bums who I saw on the side of the road? And I was talking about how impressed I was at them networking and organizing and how this new generation of bums are setting such a good example for future generations of homeless people - the kind of vagrants your kids can look up to.

And some of you left comments talking about how you were questioning the motives of these beggars. And I admit I thought to myself “come on guys, give these bums some credit.”

But it turns out you were right, I had been deceived. Last night on the news, they did a story where they followed these panhandlers around for a couple months watching them. And particularly this one young girl who it turns out did live in a house and was just pretending to be sans-house. And then they said this happens quite a bit.

Here’s the article.

And this is only a mile or two from where I saw my faux-bums.

I mean, when I first saw them, the thought did cross my mind that maybe there was something fishy going on, but they had big coats on and it was a warm day, so I figured their story checked out. But the girl in that story wore a big coat and a back pack.

I’m so disappointed.

I feel like my hopes for the future have been shattered. Those weren’t business minded bums striving to succeed in a life on the street. They were just a bunch of spoiled 20 year olds in hobo costumes trying to scam people out of our hard earned cash.

And now I am starting to question all of my relationships with homeless people. I mean we now live in a world where you can’t even trust a homeless person to be telling the truth on their cardboard sign. Next thing you know, you won't be able to trust a homeless person to carry alcohol in a paper sack. Or to kidnap your kids. Or even to to throw up blood at the train station.

It's starting to feel like you can't trust bums at all anymore...

And if you can’t trust homeless people, who can you trust?

I feel so disillusioned.

Election 2008 Update

Senator Hillary Clinton claimed victory in Pennsylvania's primary election on Tuesday, beating fellow Senator Barack Obama by a 10 point margin.

As she addressed her supporters on Tuesday night, many noticed that she appeared to have something clutched in her hands that she kept peeking at:

A spokesperson for her campaign confirmed this morning that it was in fact a little mouse that the senator often keeps in her pocket. Explaining that Clinton “likes to pet soft things with her fingers.”

But the win still leaves Obama ahead in the race to the Democrats’ August convention in Denver. So what is next for the Clinton campaign?

She told reporters on Wednesday that she plans on continuing her campaign and taking advantage of this new momentum.

When asked about the possibility of her sharing a ticket with Senator Obama in the November general election, Clinton stated that such a ticket was “not likely” but when pressed further, she did say that there is possibility that the two senators might come together before the Democratic Convention in order to get themselves “a little place” where they would, as she describes, “live off the fatta’ the lan’”.

She then went on to propose the possibility of them having a hutch full of soft rabbits clarifying that she would be the best candidate to “tend those damn rabbits”.

When asked about Clinton’s proposal, Senator Obama denied ever having heard such an idea. He then accused Senator Clinton of being a “crazy son-of-a-bitch” claiming that his opponent “got kicked in the head by a horse when she was a kid. She's awright. Just ain't bright.”

But he did go on to explain that if the party agrees, he would be willing to meet her prior to the North Carolina primaries down by the deep green pool of the Salinas River in order to discuss Clinton’s idea of getting a place.

YUBbies

You know how sometimes you will see a bum hanging out on the street corner with a cardboard sign asking for money? Well last week when I was stopped at a stoplight, I saw five (5) vagrants under the age of 30 all on the same corner talking to one another. They each had a cardboard sign and I could tell from the back of their signs that at least 3 of them were from the same box.

It looks like this new generation of drifters is networking more than I’ve seen with the former generation of disorganized winos. I'll bet they even have homeless conventions and seminars. Maybe what I witnessed was the meet and greet that followed the sign making workshop in the Office Depot parking lot convention.

Anyway, it was curious.

I Want A Facial Scar

The other day on the news, they were talking about some kind of scumbag criminal who did something horrible. Whenever I hear a report about a criminal and they start to describe the guy – and he kind of sounds like me, I always get a little nervous.

‘Cause it started out “white male in his mid-to-late twenties” and I thought to myself “oh crap!”
And then when they said he was "over six foot with a slim build”, I have to admit I was relieved.
I mean, I don’t remember doing what they said that guy did, but then again, I also don’t have the best memory.

And even if I know for a fact I am totally innocent, I am always afraid that people I know will be watching the news and if it sounds like me, they will think “hmm… that sound like Gatsby”. And then if someone calls the cops and I tell them I didn’t do it, I am worried it will sound like I am lying and then I’ll end up living in Abu Ghraib for five years as the bottom man of a naked pyramid.

That’s why sometimes I think I should get myself a very distinguishing facial scar - I mean, I have some acne scaring, but I’m talking about like a very unique, hard-core scar so there is no confusion. Like:

“The suspect is a white male, late twenties, 5’10, kinda fat, and wearing glasses” and then they look at me.

Oh yeah, well did he have a large scar in the shape of a monkey paw across his face?

“Nope”

And then they will realize there’s no way it could have been me.

And it would also totally prove the point I've been trying to make about monkeys.

Danny And Esteban And Eped

Alright. So I know Danny and Esteban have kind of been all over the place lately, but they both posted today and I think things are really going to start getting exciting with them, so make sure you start following their adventures.

And speaking of Danny and Esteban, that reminds me of blog-a-manic Eped. I’ve been going back and reading some of his past blogs lately and man oh man does he have some great stuff. Here’s some of my favorites in case you are looking for some good reading…

This is one of the funniest comic strips I’ve ever read.
He teaches ESL
He knows a lot about Bigfoot.
And then there’s this picture
And even some original art.

Enjoy!

My Weekend

I don't know what you did last weekend, but I am quite confident that I spent more time playing Excite Bike than you.

I would also be willing to bet I ate more Cap'n Crunch than you did.

Thoughts On Nicholas Cage Fighting

- I think I heard he knows some Karate
- He was kind of tough in Con Air
- He was pretty funny in Raising Arizona
- I like him
- But I would kind of like to see him get punched in the face.
- He would probably be in the Welter Weight division.
- He’s kind of old.
- But I bet he’s pretty fast.
- Remember when Tom Smith saw him in that American Treasure movie?
- If I got in a fight with him, I would talk a bunch of trash about how he was married to Elvis’ daughter.
- And how he is weird and talks funny.
- B does a funny impression of Nicholas Cage.
- He’s all “Whoah… Mr President. I know about the book…”
- It’s funny.
- I would also kind of like to see B get punched in the face.
- Probably by Esteban.
- Remember that movie Face Off?
- Oh man, the more I see that movie, the more I want to see Nicholas Cage get in a fight.
- Maybe he could fight that guy who was Barbarino.
- I would want Nicolas Cage to win that one.
- But only just barely win.

Why Chinese Food Makes Me Uncomfortable

It’s true.

Don’t get me wrong - it is one of my top 5 foreign foods to eat with chop sticks, but I often find myself avoiding it because there’s a few things about it that make me feel uncomfortable. The kind of uncomfortable you might feel when you go into an adult novelty store or watching an R rated movie with your parents.

First of all, why do so many Chinese restaurants have these placemats?

That’s not necessary. I mean, I’m not stupid - I am an adult - I do know that that is just another word for rooster. But that knowledge doesn’t make it so I don’t choke on my food every time I have a mouth full and I look down and see it.

And then there are so many Chinese food dishes that sound like dirty euphemisms for sex or genitalia:

Hot Mongolian Beef
Sweet and Sour Pork
Hot and Sour Soup
Beef Chow Fun
Cunilingus Won Tons

I mean, maybe those are the best dishes in the world, but I'll never know because I'm too embarrassed to order them.

So it’s easier for me if I just go to Carl’s Junior and get a Cap’n Crunch milkshake. It’s anonymous, it’s safe, I don’t feel like I am sexually harassing the girl taking my order, and there’s nothing that says “cock” in the dining area (although be careful, because you can sometimes still find that word written on the bathroom stalls).

A New Musical Direction (Another One)

So I’ve been talking about my plans for becoming the new Weird Al, with my hilarious, yet poignant criticisms of Danny Glover and Dwayne Wayne, but I’m sorry. I have scrapped that album. I’m not sure I really want to be the next Weird Al anymore. I mean I’ve been thinking about it and I actually want my music to be taken seriously - I want to be taken seriously as an artist.

And besides, music is changing. The way we listen to music is changing. The way we get our music is changing. Everything about the industry is changing. And the “rock star” is really a thing of the past.

That’s why I have decided to start writing original ring tones. Because that is really the future of this industry. And I want to be the biggest ring tone artist in the world one day.

I want to be at the mall and hear my music coming from every teenage kid’s pocket as their friends are calling them to find out what time their mom is making Chicken and Stovetop. And I don’t think it’s too much to want to know that my music is being heard before every conversation in this country – before every new lover calls just to say “I love you” – before every worried parent calls their kid to find out when they are coming home – before every cell phone conversation that results in a car accident.

You know when you are at a movie and some jackass forgets to turn off his cell phone and it starts ringing right in the middle of the movie? That sucks right? Well, if it was one of my original songs that was playing, I think it would make it at least a little better. It would be like “hey you idiot, I’m trying to watch this movie!” but it would also be like “but damn, that’s a great song!”

And I would sell out huge arenas all across the globe. And I would just go out on stage and perform my songs by simply holding my cell phone up to the microphone and having Danny call me from back stage. And the crowd would go wild. And if I decide I want to take requests from the audience, I would just put my phone number up on the jumbo tron and have them call in their requests.

And I would write a ring tone about that time I saw a guy drown another guy. And when that guy came to my concert, I would have him download that song onto his phone and then I would call him in the middle of the concert and while that song plays on his cell phone, I would put the spotlight on him - and then everybody would know what he did.

And at the end of the concert, I would smash my cell phone on the stage – or maybe try to light it on fire.

I guess the first thing I need to do to make this dream come true is to get a cell phone - but oh man, this is going to be awesome!

Consider Yourself Warned

Spiral Getty

Thoughts On Cage Fighting

- I am tired and I want to go to bed, but I always end up staying up another 2 or 3 hours watching this cage fighting stuff.
- I don’t know why these guys are fighting. They seem like they have a lot in common – same height, same weight class, both love mixed martial arts, both love tattoos. I feel like they should be able to work this out.
- I don’t like to see the champion lose because it’s got to be sad to have to give up that belt.
- I also don’t like to see someone lose to the champion because they must be disappointed to get so close just to lose.
- In fact I don’t like to see anyone lose because I just imagine their family is in the audience and feels really bad about it.
- I like punching and kicking more than the Jujitsu wrestling stuff.
- But I do like a good triangle submission.
- I’ve been practicing triangle submissions on my kid and I am getting pretty good at it.
- Not many black guys cage fighting.
- But when they do I’ve never seen one lose.
- I hope my kid doesn’t want to do this when he grows up.
- I hope I don’t ever run into one of these guys because some just look like normal guys and I may accidentally say something smart assed to them.
- “Feather Weight Division” is a mean term.
- Even if you are the undefeated champion, if it’s in the Feather Weight Division, that’s still kind of emasculating.
- It’s like “You’re a really hard core guy… unless the wind blows you over.”
- These guys have weird ears.
- I don’t even like this, so why am I watching this?

Open Letter To Blog-a-maniacs

A reader who wishes to remain "Anonymous" left this comment:

"I've looked at several of your entries. Your sense of humor is very unsophisticated and feels forced and artificial. You need to read more. I mean, gosh, are those things you write supposed to be funny?"

Yeah, the thing is I know my sense of humor isn't for everyone. I admit that my sense of humor is often unsophisticated, forced and artificial. In fact, I'll be the first to admit that it isn't even always even funny.

And reading this post does make me feel a little sad, but then again Vollman says I'm his favourite blogger, so that's got to mean something.

Anyway, I just want to thank those of you who do get my sense of humor and who do come back here to read my posts. And I want you to know that if you were to throw a party and you invited everyone I knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the ard attached would say "thank you for being a friend".

But just so you know, it probably wouldn't be anything great or anything. I am kind of hurting for money lately, but even if it's small, it would still be the biggest because I would put it in a big box - you know, for effect.

Or is it affect?

I need to read more.

The Enemy Of My Friend Is My Enemy

So there is this kid at Priya’s day care who she just does not get along with. Half the time when I drop her off, if that kid is around, she will immediately go and push him over or hit him. And the kid doesn’t like her much either, it is also pretty common for him to attack as soon as he sees her.

Anyway, we always laugh at how cute it is that these little two year old kids just do not like each other at all.

But then this morning when I dropped her off, she ignored the kid and went straight to the toy box. And that kid didn’t attack her either. In fact, he came straight up to me and wanted me to give him five.

And a funny thing happened: I didn’t want to give the little jerk five.

I mean I don’t have any beef with this kid - he’s never done anything to me. But I guess I just figured that even though I don’t know him personally, Priya does. And I trust her judgment. If she doesn’t like this punk, there’s probably a good reason why.

So anyway, when I was sure that there weren’t any adults watching, I just pushed this little jerk away and told him to get lost.

Because I like to consider myself a pretty loyal friend. And I’m sure Eminem wouldn’t give five to someone who has a beef with Fifty Cent or Dre.

And it’s like that old saying that a friend of my enemy is my enemy – but in this case, what I learned yesterday is that an enemy of my friend is my enemy too.

And then when I picked her up at the end of the day, the day care lady said that Priya bit that kid on his chest. And I pretended to be angry, but then when we got out to the car, I gave Priya five. Because who does that little jerk think he is anyway?

Giant Footprints

One night, four women shared a dream where they were walking along the beach with Andre the Giant. Many scenes from the women’s lives flashed across the dark sky overhead.

For each scene, they could see foot prints in the sand. Sometimes there were 5 sets of foot prints (one set belonged to each woman – and one set belonged to Andre the Giant) and other times there was only one set.

The ladies started to notice that during the lowest and saddest times in their lives, there was only one set of footprints in the sand.

The women all spoke in unison saying “Andre, we thought that because your hands were so big, that you would always be there for us. But during the most trying times of our lives, there is only one set of foot prints in the sand. Why, when we needed you most, have you not been there for us?”

Because they all said that at the same time, one of the ladies said “Jinx, buy me 3 Cokes.”

Then Andre replied “Those times where you ladies saw only one set of footprints in the sand… if you look closely they are very big footprints. That is because those were the times that I carried all of you on my shoulders at the same time.”

Freddychuma Freddychuma!

So I heard that in either the third or the fourth Karate Kid movie that the Katate Kid is a girl. I never saw it though. After Karate Kid II I decided that there’s no way they’re gonna top that one, so I didn’t bother with any other sequels.

I also heard that in one of the Nightmare On Elm Street movies that Freddy was a girl.

Holy Crap!

I think I speak for everyone when I say that the girl Freddy is WAY better than the burned man version.

I'm gonna have to rent that one now.

Word Association

Spring Break 2008

Last week was spring break. I was totally looking forward to it because I was hoping that like so many girls in spring breaks past, that I too would have gone wild.

To be honest I am a bit disappointed. It didn’t turn out to be exactly what I was hoping for - I didn’t actually go wild even once over spring break. In fact, I only I even took off my shirt twice this week and that was just for showering purposes.

But I did draw you a special Easter cartoon…


So I guess that's something.

A New Direction - A New Sound

So I’ve been telling you how I want to be considered this generation’s Weird Al and I’ve been coming up with great parody songs – like You’ve Lost That Danny Glover Feeling and When A Man Danny Glovers A Woman.

But reading over some of your comments, I see that there are quite a few Danny Glover apologists within the blog-a-maniacs ranks who want me to ease up on my Danny Glover material.

And because I don’t want to alienate any blog-a-maniacs, I have decided to scrap my album which was going to be titled Easy Listening For Young Danny Glovers – and I will not be completing or recording the before-mentioned songs or any of the following songs which I was currently been working on:

What’s Danny Glover Got To Do With It?
Who Wrote The Book Of Danny Glover?
and
I Just Called To Say I Danny Glover You

Instead, I am now working on taking my parodies down a different avenue. I already have a new theme and I already have quite a few new good ideas:

You know that song Blame It On The Rain? Well I am going to sing that, but change it to Blame It On Dwayne Wayne.

And the song I’m Only Happy When It Rains – I’m Only Happy When Dwayne Waynes.

Also…

I Miss You (Like The Deserts Miss Dwayne Wayne)
Here Comes Dwayne Wayne Again
I Miss Dwayne Wayne Down In Africa
and
Dwayne Wayne Drops Keeps Falling On My Head

And the tentative title for my first album is going to be Singing In Dwayne Wayne.

This is going to be awesome.

And you can all say you knew me before I made it big…

Another Song

So remember how I was telling you that I want to be the new Weird Al? Well I thought of another funny song I could do:

When A Man Danny Glovers A Woman

That would be great!